Right now I feel like my head is on backwards. Why else would I purchase the following items for a care package for my non-existent referral ?
Why on earth would I put these baby blankets under our covers to gather our scent? I think I have lost it, officially. Speaking of 'officially' we have been 'officially' waiting for nine months today. November will mark one year since we sent in our application. Did I mention we started trying for a family in 1999?Did I mention that it fills me with self-loathing and guilt to feel this way? I feel a 'Thoughts at Nine Months Waiting' post coming on. Warning: It won't be pretty.
And yes, I realize that I have ZERO problems. I do not have a fistula. If I did have kids, they wouldn't be too hungry to attend school. If I really wanted to speed up the process I would e-mail Erin and inquire about the 67.
Instead I lumber through Target, avoiding the Halloween aisles, searching for a child's birthday present for a party we are going to tomorrow.
Instead I pause behind the young twenty something couple, the wife about to burst, as they scan bottles and diapers with their registry wand. My eyes well up as the husband protectively touches the small of her back, and gently moves her over so I can get by with my cart.
Instead I watch as my husband receives his mother's death certificate in the mail; a grandmother never made.
Instead, I find myself knee deep in Stage Five, hating myself.
In a little while I will leave the house to go and teach the third grade. Please send your loving thoughts to whatever unfortunate eight year old decides to ask me, "Why don't you have your kids yet?"
Posts
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time right now. Waiting just sucks!!! I don't know how much longer your wait is expected to be but I know you will make it. Just hang on until then.
ReplyDeleteHugs...
Kerri, Medina, and Ruby
I am really sorry. its so long to wait. i hate to say all the cliches (it will be so worth it once it gets here, enjoy your time together blah blah blah) but i am not sure what else to say........
ReplyDeleteYou have not lost it... the blankets are beautiful, retail therapy helps, and you know your referral will come. That's why you bought them.
ReplyDeleteJust try to stay out of stage 6. That one is the crazy-maker. :)
june
Oh Jules. I am so sad that you are feeling so sad. I am just as impatient for you. Enough already. Your time is here. Actually, it was here a long time ago. Sending many extra hugs and hope to see you this weekend to give you a few in person.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Deb
It won't be much longer now. You two have been waiting for so long. Your kids are going to be the most loved children in the world. Pretty soon it will be YOUR kids' parties and costumes that you will be constantly shopping for. Soon, soon, soon! I am thinking of you. Big hugs.
ReplyDeleteYour children are out there and they need you - THAT is already fact. Draw energy from the kids that surround you - they sure have extra to share!
ReplyDeleteJulie, I don't know what to say except I'm really bummed to read you are feeling so blue. You will get your children, you will. And you will be the best Mom in the world; intelligent, deeply caring, with the capacity for such compassion. There is a union on the horizon.
ReplyDeleteI send you a virtual bottle of smooth red wine with a wedge of creamy cheese for gastronomic comfort and a big, big hug for emotional comfort.
Cindy
Waiting is horrible and you should complain when you feel blue. I think it's good practice. Adoption waiting is harder because there are no visible signs and so all of that wonderful support that pregnant women get must be, in a sense, requested by PAP's.
ReplyDeleteOne your child will go through something similar and you will be the most amazing support for them. I know it doesn't help now.
And it's good to sleep with baby blankets - it's a positive.
Like Kerri said
Hugs...
I'm so sorry. Really, I feel your pain with this post. What a terrible way to feel.
ReplyDeleteYour referral WILL come. It will happen. It will. It really will.
One thing more, I don't think you should feel guilty that your hearts desire is to be a momma. I think that is a lovely, admirable desire.
sending love to you, my new friend.
Jen
Julie,
ReplyDeletePeople just can't find words comforting enough. The wait just sucks. There is no way around it. The ache in your chest. The emptiness in the pit of your stomach. I am there with ya. The knowlege that it will pass, doesn't alleviate the pain in the now. I'm hurting for you and with you.
The journey to build a family when it doesn't come easily is one of the most stressful things a couple can deal with. Let yourself off the hook and feel what you are feeling without any guilt. One day, when your kids are here, you will be on the other side of this. And it will be a glorious feeling.
ReplyDeleteMy friend, and I feel I can call you that now, it is o.k to feel this way. Yup, I checked and it really is. This waiting is ridiculously hard.
ReplyDeleteSnuggle up next to your hubby and your dog in your sock monkey pj's. Wrap those beautiful baby blankets around you so that WHEN that care package is sent off to your wee one they will know you love them.
Rana
P.S. I too aimlessly wander thru kids sections and weep.
Julie,
ReplyDeleteI wish I could come over and give you a BIG hug right now! Having waited since 1999 to start our family as well, I GET IT!!! The wait SUCKS!! It's hard and painful and will make you feel nuts at times. Thank goodness we both have INCREDIBLE husbands to walk through all of this with. I am a big believer of "if you build it they will come" , so buying gifts for children is perfectly perfect! They are out there, and you're mother's intuition is telling you to start to prepare to bring them home. You are so close, and I have found that the closer I get, the harder it is. Stay strong, keep Steven close to you and that call will come, I just know it. Grandma is looking down upon all of you, she is watching over your children, she is with you still. I am so happy we will be seeing you this weekend... be prepared for a giant hug!!
xo
Heather
Hmmmm...for starters, you are waiting for a proposal, not a referral, and this proposal is 100% in existence...just in a stage that hasn't yet materialized to you...you have an amoeba proposal...your proposal is a little fish with feet just trying to get out of the water (that will probably piss someone off - but whatever)...[sigh] as someone who cares deeply for you, not going to let you say "grandmother never made" because she is currently and will always be your children's grandmother (and for all we know watching over them, talking to them, protecting them right now - oooo so metaphysical this week). Your babies are going to coo and cry for stories and more pictures of Chris, this woman is alive for you and your family because of the spirit that fills you at this moment...here is what you are going to do [my god I am bossy today] I don't know where you guys are with the estate, but you are going to get a bunch of her clothes, her favorite outfits, things that remind you of her, and you are going to make quilts for your children. You don't have to make them now, but you can work on it over time...and I will help you. You have those amazing cookie cutters Chris bought that your children are going to cherish till they are adults, and pass them down to their children with stories of their amazing Grandma Chris who was able to buy them gifts and provide for them even now...
ReplyDeleteOh, Julie, you get to tell them about the way Chris looked at the sky, the way she saw the ranch, the way she believed the stars could carry her thought to them, the way she could celebrate, the way she loved this world and them through time and space, just as you do right now in this time before you receive your wonderful proposal, my point is this (and I say this as someone who had a HORRIBLE meeting yesterday and then yet another long conversation with my husband about his deceased father, letting down his dad, regretting if we don't have a III, blah, blah, bla-freaking-blah) as someone with nieces and nephews with a lost grandparent, and you are going to feel this and know this more later (which means you might be less irritated with me later than possibly right now)
the love of missing will tranform to the love of belonging which is the heritage of love that binds your family...
which is why my sweet niece when she is being difficult and downright dispicable will crawl up into my lap and say "tell me how I am acting like Grandpa Jim right now..."
and now, my dear sweet friend, to wrap up what might quite possibly be the worst comment of all time (why I didn't just send an email I will never know), I leave you, Stage 5 - Hater, with the ever inspiring words of Mr. Kanye West...[ahem]:
Work it, make it, do it, makes us
Harder, Better, Faster, STRONGER
N- n- now th- that don't kill me
Can only make me stronger
I need you to hurry up now
cause I can't wait much longer
I know I got to be right now
Cause I can't get much wronger
Man I've been waitin' all night now
That's how long I've been on ya
I need you right now
I need you right now
So go ahead go nuts go ape shit
Especially on my best stand on my bape shit
Act like you can't tell who made this
New gospel homey, take six, and take this, haters
Me likey
I don't know if you got a man or not,
If you made plans or not
God put me in the plans or not
I'm trippin' this drink got me sayin' a lot
But I know that God put you in front of me
I am so, so, so sorry you're feeling down, and I don't know what to say to make it better...except that I really do believe everything happens the way it is supposed to happen...I know that probably doesn't help right now, but I hope someday you can look back and know that everything you went through was leading up to the perfect moment when you meet your children for the first time.
ReplyDeleteOne more comment: Thanks for posting the wonderful ee cummings quote on my blog. We had an ee poem read at our wedding and my blogs name is from the ee quote that I always want to guide me to be the best mom:
ReplyDelete"We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals human spirit."
Oh, Julie! Just this morning, I was reading about life, faith and different ways to see the world. There was a paragraph describing a worldview that can see life as life-giving, full of wonder and beauty and sometimes "terrible beauty." It made me think about you before I even read this post.
ReplyDeleteYour blog is such a celebration of life, even in its terrible beauty. My hope for you is that soon your experience will be more of wonder and of beauty and of new life.
I'm sorry you are having a bad day.
the waiting is terrible. What makes things even crappier is thinking "i have no business feeling sorry for myself when other people have it really badly." This is your reality and you have to acknowledge your feelings. They are real and you deserve to have them. Your road has been hard, really hard and you deserve to feel angry, sad and everything in between. Go out and buy those things for your kids-- snuggle with those blankets because one day, in the NOT SO DISTANT future, your children will be snuggling with them while in bed with you guys.
ReplyDeleteGo ahead and bark at those third graders. I'm sure they need to be toughened up.
Oh man, Filoli's comment made me tear up...
ReplyDeleteSee how you have our hearts here with you even if it's through the space and time of the blog world?
Cindy
Julie,
ReplyDeleteUgh. I am so, so, so, sorry the wait and disappointment is weighing heavily on you. The waiting does get ugly sometimes. I hope you continue to be kind to yourself - expressing the frustration, buying gifts for the children that ARE coming, knowing your limits. I hurt for you, friend. I wish I could make the weight of the wait (and the wait) go away.
Rebecca
Your head is not on backwards...it is on forwards...it is looking to the future, a future with your children. Sending loads of good thoughts your way, you are going to make a great Mommy!!
ReplyDeleteJulie--
ReplyDeletethinking of you over here. Email me anytime to commiserate-- especially if anyone starts giving you the oh!-nine-months-like-a-pregnancy! crap. (I've been hearing lots of that lately.)
Tanya
p.s. I teach third grade too. Need any penpals in MN?
Oh Julie, sweet Julie, I wish I knew what to say. I wish I had been there to go with you to Target (I used to have the hardest time with that store before Abe joined our family). That place is a minefield for those like us who have had to wait longer than usual for our children. I'm thinking of you and if you ever want to have a get-away to the Pacific Northwest, our door is open.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry. I send you both good wishes.
ReplyDeleteOh, Julie. My heart hurts for you.
ReplyDeleteI think it's totally normal to buy these things! You are nesting and preparing.
Thinking of you.
At least you have some really cute things for your babies. It is a good thing that you have those great blankets already. It takes a long time to get the right smell cultivated. Make sure you start sleeping with them every night because your proposal is coming soon - I can feel it! And great pick on the little doll - you've got to love Target.
ReplyDeleteI did very similar things when I was waiting for our referral. It sometimes was the only way I could make this whole adoption and the idea that we would have a baby someday "real."
ReplyDelete