Showing posts with label Thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Thoughts. Show all posts

Saturday, March 24, 2012

C'Mon April.

When I was in college I dated a totally inappropriate older guy. He was an investment banker who liked to wear eyeliner on the weekends and go clubbing. At one point he told me his biggest goal in life was to make enough money to do cocaine every weekend. Yeah like I said, totally inappropriate. I'm not sure why I ever dated him. He was from the southside of Chicago, and he was very attractive. I guess that was my criteria at the time. He said something to me one hundred years ago that I still think about. He said, "There are two Julies, one is self confident and can do anything, and the other gets stuck in her own wheels and becomes immobilized. That last one is not attractive." March has immobilized me. I'm not sure why. Maybe it is because March is such a horrid month for my kiddos.

Yesterday, on the anniversary of her death, we lit a candle for Meazi and Melese's mother. The kids said very sad, and very profound things while we did it. My heart broke into a million pieces as they spoke. How will they ever be happy people? They have lost so much. Their lives are confusing in so many ways. They are strong, but I can't help but feel depressed for them. March has been a struggle for them. Melese has been stuffed into a too small Ergo as I tried to comfort him. The minute he settled into it, he began asking me questions about Ethiopia; "How old was I there mommy?" "Where did I sleep Mommy?" "Where were you Mommy?" The kids are anxious. I am anxious and I am sad. My clothes are too tight, and I can't sleep through the night.

Trayvon. Trayvon's story has immobilized me. I can barely keep my kids safe in the carpool line. How, oh how, will I ever prevent them from being shot to death while buying candy? They like M&m's, and Jolly Ranchers. Almost every jacket they own is a hoodie. Maybe they were safer in Ethiopia.

I read this the other day: Today I just want to remind everyone that March (as well as September) can be rough on those who are prone to depression. If you're upset or frustrated or anxious or sad and you don't know why, don't be too hard on yourself. It could just be the rotation of the earth. (That's not hippie speak. That's science. It has something to do with the rapid change in light during this time of year and how our brains process that change [which is the CliffsNotes version of how my own psychiatrist explained it.])

I don't think it is the rotation of the earth. I think it is the murder of a young black boy. I think it is violence, racism, and loss, that has me stuck.

There are bright lights in this darkness I feel. At this moment the kids are in the tub harvesting a huge vat of honey from the honeycomb Steven just brought home. This comes just in time as we have eaten all of our honey. Every single last drop. Oatmeal has gone uneaten. Toast cries sadly from the plate, ignored. That will change today.

Today I am inspired by sweet things and by sweet friends who help me feel less stuck. Friends like Betsy and Tanya who remind me that we are not powerless on the earth, that we can band together and make a difference. Honey in my tea. Oil in my stuck wheels. Light in the darkness.


Friday, November 18, 2011

Had Another Dream About Lions at the Door

Meazi had a nightmare the other night. She woke me up, saying in a panic, "Mom, I'm having a really bad dream." I held her close and said that it was okay. She told me she had been dreaming that a lion was in our room, getting ready to attack us. He left and went to Simi valley to Tessa's house, then on to G and F's  house in Minnesota, and then all the way to Ethiopia where her brothers and sisters scared him away with a big knife.

I know that this has to do a bit with this post from Cien. I had asked Meazi about this a couple weeks ago, and she said YES indeed, there were big cats in those caves. Big cats.

I can't really imagine what it is like to be Meazi. She is so, so, confident and bold on the outside. At night, once in a while, she wakes up in sheer terror, afraid of a big cat getting ready to attack her, getting ready to attack her family here, and her family there, and her friends all over, everywhere.

Today, for the first time ever, we took the kids to get their blood drawn. I can't believe that this was their first blood draw ever, with us, but due to a lazy pediatrician, and a general outstanding healthiness, there never seemed to be a reason to do one before.

Steven was off of work, thank goodness. He thought we should have Melese go first because if he saw Meazi go first, he would get upset. The phlebotomist asked if we had a preference for who goes first. Steven went in with Melese. I heard him whimper, "I want to go home daddy". He whimpered and whimpered and screamed when they did it. Meazi, who was on my lap in the waiting area began to plug her ears. I felt her tense up. When it was her turn, she panicked. She fought Steven as he attempted to pick her up and carry her to the other room. She began to scream. Melese had come back with big eyes pooling with tears. He showed me his bandage and said it hurt. Meazi was freaking out, screaming and kicking Steven as he walked her back. I could hear her screams and crying from the other room, as they started getting her ready, "This rubber band is called a tourniquet," she screamed again,  my face contorted and I began to cry. The receptionist looked at me and said, "Perhaps you should take a walk around the block?" Yes, yes, I thought. I need to get Melese out of here. I need to get myself out of here. Her screams were unbearable. Immediately my brain went to a dark place, a very dark place. I was a mother in Somalia, in the Congo, my daughter was screaming because someone was hurting her, raping her, beating her. I clung to Melese pacing in the parking lot, wondering what I would do if my children were being hurt by someone, really hurt. Murder, I thought, I would have to murder them. How would I do it? Would I be strong enough? I peeked in through the window, in between two white blinds I saw that the receptionist was looking at me and giving me the thumbs up. I rushed back in as Meazi came out from her simple blood draw (I didn't even feel the needle mom!). Her eyes were huge, tears lay on her cheeks. I told her it was ok. I told her we were going to Jamba Juice and that, yes, she could have whatever she wanted there- whatever she wanted. Razzamataz. The largest size.

Last week Meazi fell and cut open her face. It was a huge, gaping wound. The pink flesh was startling. So, very pink. She had been pretending that her croquet mallets were crutches, and she slipped. The brick lined front walkway was now the scene of a gruesome fall. "It was the yellow one!" She says as I walk by the colorful mallets. I raise a fist and yell, "You lousy mallet!" Releasing some of the worry and sadness at the inanimate object that is much easier to blame then my careless daughter. "Let's never play croquet again with that yellow mallet! " I yell dramatically. Her face, today, is finally looking better. I douse it with vitamin e oil, right before I tuck her in for what I hope is an undisturbed slumber.

Meanwhile, this evening, Steven works hard on a Doro wat in the kitchen. Melese, in his jammies, jumps from the coffee table to my lap on the couch. He jumps high, throws his arms around my neck and yells exuberantly, "I love you mommy, I love you mommy! I love you so much!" I squeeze him back and think that my heart may break into a million pieces.

The heartbreak that is parenting. The joy that is motherhood. The worry about the lions lurking behind every door, and the knowledge that everything has changed.

Everything has changed by knowing them. Everything.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Just Like Me.

 Melese and I take Meazi to school everyday. We get there early and play on the athletic field. When we first walk in, we always see a man that works at the school. From the very first day, Melese has been mysteriously drawn to this man. Jose (not his real name) is an older gentleman, maybe in his fifties, from Mexico. When Melese sees him he shouts, "Hi! Hi Jose!" Jose walks over, his crossing guard stop sign in hand, and says good morning to Melese. The second day Melese threw his arms around Jose and gave him an enormous hug. Unheard of for Melese who will barely give a smile to dear friends we have known for years. One day, after a similar hug, Jose kept holding Melese as he stopped carpool traffic. Melese helped him 'work' and talked all about it for the rest of the day. There is just something about this man that Melese is drawn to.

After a few mornings of this mutually adorable greeting, Jose told us a little bit about his family. His wife lives in Mexico with their two children, a son and a daughter. Recently his kids had to drop out of school because it was too dangerous to attend. The violence from the Mexican mafia has caused their neighborhood to become a war zone. He showed me pictures of his adorable children. His son is named after him.

Later at home, I was telling Meazi about him. I said that I felt so sad for him, and for his family. She said, "Which part of the story is the saddest to you mom?" I said, "I guess that he can't see his family Meazi, that is the saddest to me."

She said, "Just like me. I can't see my family. He's just like me."

Maybe this is what Melese and Jose have in common. Maybe this is why they hug each other like that each day.

Maybe he just misses his son, the one who doesn't get dropped off at the beautiful, progressive, expensive school, surrounded by guards and kindly employees who could watch out for him.

And what about Meazi? Is she, like him, just working and waiting until a time when she can see her family again?

Please pass the Dalwhinne.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Dear September...

Dear September, don't let the door hit you on the way out.

 I usually love September, back to school, chill in the air, sweater weather...

This year September can suck it.

I feel like I could sleep for weeks and still not regain the strength that September has zapped from me.

September has been challenging for these two as well.

We attempted preschool for Melese. Yeah, didn't work out so well. We are trying one more thing next week, but I am pretty sure that he is just not ready emotionally. This discovery needs its own post, but in case I don't get to it, here is the jist:

Melese, why are you so scared when the other parents leave? Did that ever happen to you?

Yes Mommy. Those teachers in Ethiopia, I was left there and no one came back. I was running, and running and I couldn't find Meazi.

Not. Pushing. Preschool.

Meazi has done wonderfully at her new school. She loves it. I have realized that it is virtually impossible to get into this school if you didn't start in Kindergarten. I have been made painfully aware of that fact by the multitude of parents who have approached me demanding to know who on earth we are, and how in the hell we managed to get a coveted first grade spot? Some parents have been warm and welcoming, others have been reprehensible. I have learned some tough lessons about 'invasion of privacy' and how to react to inappropriate questions including, "DID HER MOTHER DIE OF AIDS?"

School drop off has turned me into an ultra defensive, ball of nerves. My eyes dart from side to side as I try and deflect a nosy Nellie, or seem friendly to a kindly Kelly. The good news is that there continues to be a sort of  wondrous force of the universe that continues to place my daughter in the arms of the world's greatest teachers. Her new teachers are first responders like her previous teachers, incredible women who seem to understand Meazi.

I woke up this morning with pinkeye and a cold, but DAMMIT OCTOBER YOU WILL BE BETTER!

It has to be right? Halloween! Melese asked to be Christopher Robin for Halloween. How cute is that and what an EASY costume! Meazi wants to be a bunny, but not a 'movie' bunny, a 'nature' bunny. I'm sure Steven can make that on his sewing machine!

There will be hot cider right?  And beautiful leaves? That field mouse that has been tormenting me will find a new home right? Instead of sitting on our non humane traps and eating his fucking organic peanut butter, taking a poop, and then leaving the trap still set? RIGHT?

I realize that these are small, first world problems, but we are all a bit...

untethered. Me. No. Like. Untethered.

C'mon October...

I'm counting on you.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

They Are Practically Amish.

In a classic case of "Do as I say, not as I do," we do not allow our kids to watch television. After nearly two years of being a mother I find myself saying, "Why on earth did I ever agree to this?" I believe Steven got me at a weak moment. It was probably during our adoption process, I had probably been watching bad television for six straight hours, while eating Hot Tamale candies and feeling sorry for myself. Sugared out, brain-dead, he probably looked at me slumped on the sofa and said, "You don't want your kids to ever feel this way do you?" No I didn't.

Whenever I tell people this, they tell me about all of the great programs available for kids these days. I don't doubt them. There have been so many evenings, usually around 5:45, when I have wanted nothing more than to plop them down on the couch and turn on the TV. So far I have resisted. (Disclaimer: in no way is this a post about what a better mom I am for not letting my kids watch TV. Surely you have read some of the blog and you know this is not the case? There is no judgement about this).

In a way, I feel like I may be contributing to my children's feelings of being different. The no TV thing makes them a bit strange. When I taught at the Waldorf school, I really loved the fact that the students didn't watch TV, and that they were not allowed to wear TV characters on their clothes. Their imaginative play was remarkable. Meazi and Melese act out all kinds of amazing scenarios, the most popular one involving their travels to Russia to adopt two children. I love watching them play. Occasionally they'll ask me to be 'that airplane person who passes out the drinks', and I do.

It is amazing to me that you don't have to watch TV to know about Dora and Elmo. They are ubiquitous.  It is hard to purchase everyday things for the kids that don't involve television. Happily Melese calls his Diego toothbrush, Domingo.

Melese's friend Domingo...
 We are definitely movie people though. Steven and I both love movies. We haven't taken either child to a movie in the theatre yet, because we haven't seen anything advertised that we want to be their very first movie in a theatre ever.

Then there is that whole sensitivity issue. We have shown them a few movies here at the house. It has pretty much been a debacle. They loved Toy Story 3, but still talk about the scary incinerating part. Pippi Longstocking was a hit, but we had read the book first. When we got a different Pippi Longstocking movie from the library Meazi became terrified of the villain and cried hysterically whenever he showed up on the screen. We turned it off. I thought the animated version of  The Little Engine that Could would be a safe choice. Not so much. The nightmare train was, well, a nightmare for her. Next up, The Jungle Book. Great for Melese. He loved the elephants and now marches around the house shouting, "Hup two three four! Keep it UP two three four!" But he does correct me, "Mom, it's The Jungle, not the book. It's the movie mom. So, we call it simply The Jungle. Meazi couldn't watch it, she was too afraid of the tiger.

This past Friday the evening seemed to drag on and on. Steven was nowhere close to leaving work, so I thought it would be nice to have another movie night. I had recorded Ramona and Beesus on our DVR. I thought Beverly Cleary based entertainment would be a no-brainer. It was, until the girls walked into their basement and found their cat dead. Yep. Dead. Family. Pet. Oh and there was kissing! A young girl with a love life, which Meazi now refers to as a 'Lovin Life'.

Enter world's greatest website: Kids in Mind. Someone at work told Steven about this site, and it is great. We will be using it before we choose our next movie.

So yeah, another post about how I am struggling as a mother.  How do I make sure that my kids aren't those weird kids who aren't allowed to watch TV? How do I help them retain their beautiful imaginations? Why does Meazi already know who Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber are? How do I make sure I don't traumatize them with my poor viewing selections?

For the record, Pippi Longstocking's mother is dead and her father is the king of Cannibal Island.

"What's a cannibal mommy?"

Great.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Goodwill Hunting

I finally had a chance to go through some of the kids' old clothes. We are lucky enough to be the recipients of many fine hand-me-downs, especially for Melese. By the time he is through with them, they are ready for Goodwill. I saved some of Meazi’s nicer things for friends, especially her Ethiopian dresses.

There are a few of her things that I cannot let go of.


Those shoes and that dress she left the orphanage in.

That silly matching Mommy and me Lucky Brand sundress. I never thought that I'd be the kind of person that would buy matching dresses for my daughter and myself, sounds so, pagent-y or something. It was actually nice because the first time (out of the three times we both wore this dress) she did get a kick out of it, I felt that it helped with our attachment, at least for that day. Also, there was that benefit of "If you forget which white woman at this party is now your mommy, check their dresses."


That Keep on Truckin' dress. You understand why I can't give that away right? And was she ever really that small??

And her uniform jumper. Her classmate Adrian's little sister will be getting most of her uniforms, but I am keeping her size 6 jumper.

I am also keeping Melese's orphanage farewell clothes, and an adorable one-piece striped outfit he was wearing when we went through customs in Los Angeles.Unfortunately, due to an incident which I hope is not indicative of his feelings toward America, said onsie had to be removed and bagged in the airport. 

Our house is about 950 square feet. Melese, Meazi, and I share a closet. At this rate we are going to be out of room very soon. Do other people do this? Keep things like this? Or do I still live in Crazytown? Don't answer that. I already know.


Friday, June 3, 2011

These Days

And I would go so far just to be where you are... would take no time bringing my heart to you. 

These days I am a really good mother...


While they are sleeping.

It's the when they're awake part that I need to work on.

I usually wake up around 5:30, giving me a full 30-45 minutes to get my shit together. This week was particularly tough for some reason. The kids have been bickering a lot. All of us have had numerous meltdowns. Three of our four kitchen chairs have been decimated by the two-year old. Not sure how we are going to have family meals anymore without chairs. I think Meazi is a little anxious because school is winding down. She is also sad that her dear friend Masha is leaving to go to Russia for the summer. This 'short four day' week has dragged on and on. I am depleted.

Before they wake up, I have it all figured out. I will not raise my voice. I will not nag her to get into the car so we can make the first school bell. I will listen to him more, and make sure he has a lot of my undivided attention.

I will cut down on the processed food. I will measure their feet again and make sure I have them in the right size shoes. I will schedule a dental appointment for Meazi. I will go through their clothes and take out what is too small. I won't cry so much in front of them. I will set a good example. I will teach them coping skills that they will use throughout their lives.

Doesn't happen. There isn't time. I am navigating meltdowns, and low blood sugar episodes. I am refereeing. I am asking them to put away their toys for the 13th time apparently in a voice so harsh that it causes Meazi to cry and say, "Mom you are scaring me!"

One mistake can go through this life so slow, want to keep myself from making two.

I don't want to keep making so many mistakes. One mistake can go through this life so slow.

But each sunrise, I get another chance.

And the sun will rise and we'll open up our eyes and see love showing what's really true.

I get another chance to remember to wear my homemade Mother's Day pin.

 I get another chance to give my undivided attention to his amazing Buzz Lightyear shoes.



I get another chance to be the mother that I thought I would be.


These Days is a song I am listening to over and over lately. It is on this album. It is a beautiful song. I can't find a video of Alison singing it, but I did find this one. Think I'll give it another listen.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

March 23


The death of a mother is the first sorrow wept without her.

I used to feel sad that I never saw you.

Now I know that I see you everyday.



Abebech- means she has blossomed.

Today we light a candle. And remember...

Abebech.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Report Card- Kindergarten

Meazi has made improvements with sharing and taking turns. When a friend is upset, she is often one of the first to comfort them. She has a very warm and compassionate heart. Meazi is doing well in all areas of academics. She enjoys being creative with art materials and exploring with dramatic play.


 What a kid.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Sunday, February 20, 2011

How to Fly A Kite


The conditions have to be right- some wind, but not too much. They’ll need some guidance, how to hold the string, when to start running, how to let out more string. You’ll want to let them do it themselves, to build confidence. It’s a delicate balance; one missing element and the whole thing comes crashing down.

The second time we took the kids kite flying was a clear, crisp, cold day last October. Meazi had gotten a beautiful butterfly kite for her birthday that September. I had filled a crock-pot that morning with ingredients that would hopefully, miraculously form a delicious Chili Verde. There seemed to be a medium wind, strong enough for flight, but not too volatile for novice fliers. Steven assured me that we wouldn’t be gone long, and that it was safe to leave the crock- pot going, even with our very antiquated, faulty electricity. We bundled up the kids, threw the kite in the trunk, got traveler mugs of coffee, and put a bag of dried mangoes in the front seat, in case we got hungry.

We drove to a nearby park where we knew they had some large, open, fields. There was a group of men playing soccer on the front field, so we walked to the one at the very back. The artificial grass was soaked, and our jeans soon became muddied. Steven got the kite up and running. Meazi took a turn, an old pro by now, having perfected the art last January when she was, in her words, just a little girl. The kite soared, dipped, evened out, Meazi was running and laughing, Melese gazed up with big eyes, “Birabaro!” he cried (Amharic for butterfly). I took a turn while Meazi yelled out tips, “Run faster Mommy!” A feeling of joy surged through my veins, Oh yeah, I remembered, this is why people fly kites. I gave the kite back to Meazi.

I told Steven that I needed to get Melese a dry pair of pants as he had been sitting down to watch. The air was getting much colder, and the sun was setting quickly. I picked up Melese and walked the long way back to the car. I got him new pants and saw my forgotten coffee in the cup holder. I grabbed it, took a swig, and felt the warmth in my throat, still hot. “What a perfect fall day,” I thought.  I locked and closed the car door. As I turned around, Melese in my arms, I saw the kite, high in the air, indeed a beautiful, vibrant, birabaro. I looked for Meazi and Steven below. Instead of them I noticed a family of four, a man, woman, and a boy and a girl. “How great,” I thought, “Meazi is sharing her kite with another family”. I was frankly surprised that Meazi would share something that she treasured so much, (sharing, up until now, had not been her forte). I walked a little faster, eager to praise Meazi for her generosity.

As we got closer I saw that Meazi and Steven were nowhere near the kite. Meazi was sobbing, chest heaving, face soaked with tears. The kite was stuck in a tree, that family of four was not flying it; they were just staring at the spectacle of a giant butterfly tangled in a tree. The wind had really picked up now. The gusts were keeping the kite flying strong, the tree now its navigator. I looked at Steven, his face tense. “What’ll we do?” I asked. “We’ll have to wait for the wind to die down,” he said. Meazi was inconsolable. This wasn’t your everyday crying; this wasn’t the superficial crying of a kid not getting what they wanted. These cries were frightening, they came from a deep, deep, place. Two security guards came out. They had a tall white stick. I don’t know what they normally used it for. As they approached the tree, Steven mentioned to them that if they tried to use the stick to loosen the plastic blue handle, the wind would definitely take the kite, and that would be the end of it.
It was getting colder. Meazi could not stop crying. It was past dinnertime. Who knew what was happening with the crock-pot. Steven told me to take the kids home, and that he would wait there for the wind to die down. He was wearing shorts and didn’t have a coat. I could see that he was cold. “I’ll call you”, he said, “You can come back and get me later.” I told Meazi that we were going to go home, and that daddy was going to stay and work on getting the kite back. She was a mess. I managed to walk the length of the field again, and got both kids into their car seats. Meazi cried the whole way home, “My beautiful kiiiiiiite, my beautiful kite.” I tried to console her. I told her we could get a new kite. She said we didn’t know where Amy and Tunsi got that kite. I told her that I would ask them, that I would find out, and that we would get her a new butterfly kite. Her crying was reminiscent of the crying we heard from her in Ethiopia. It was from a deep place. I wanted to soothe her; I wanted her sadness to stop. It was supposed to be an easy, breezy day, full of light and wonder. Here we were instead, wails and tears, darkness falling, dinner burning. I got them into the house. I got them into their dinner seats. I dished out their Chili Verde. I put some rolls in the oven to be warmed, hoping that maybe the warmth of a hot dinner would somehow fill the place where the grief was emanating from. We had a few bites of food and my phone rang. It was Steven. “I’ve got the kite,” he said. “ Daddy has the kite!” I screamed. I told him we’d be right there. Meazi grabbed her coat; I got Melese bundled up again. I turned off the oven and put our bowls on the counter so the dog wouldn’t finish our meal.

Meazi was quiet on the way over. After an initial expression of glee, “Daddy saved the day!” she became quite quiet. I am not sure what she was feeling. We picked up Steven, kite in hand, the coolness of his body filled the car. We returned home, and sat down to finish our dinner. Steven told Meazi about all the kites he lost as a kid. He told her the first loss was the hardest. He managed to convey to her that the joy is found in the actual flying of the kite, and that the kite is indeed replaceable.

I spoke to my mom on the phone that night, I told her all about the kite and she said, “It was another loss for her.”
Sometimes a kite is just a kite, but sometimes the wind changes, and a butterfly can get caught in a difficult spot. As that continues to happen, we’ll just have to wait patiently for the wind to die down.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

18 Months

We have been home, as a family or four, for eighteen months. I have a big post in my head, but don't have the time, or energy to spit it out tonight. I started getting up really early, 4 am early, in an effort to write a bit before the kiddos get up. Inevitably, Meazi somehow senses that I am awake. I hear the slap, slap, slap, of her bare feet in the hallway, and then I see her groggy, naked, self (except for her silky pink sleep cap), round the corner to join me on the couch. She then says the same thing she says to me every time she finds me attempting to write something, "Mommy, since I haven't really been getting a chance to do Starfall at school as much as I used to may I do some now on your computer?" Starfall is this, and she digs it. I usually say no at first, and then cave from the relentless asking.

Then I just kind of watch over her shoulder as she plays- too late to go back to bed, too early to do anything other than sit there. I start the coffee and think about what kind of yummy processed foodstuffs I can cram into her eco-friendly lunch box for school.

Melese rounds that hallway corner shortly after, clad in his hand-me-down H.A jammies that he now calls his "sun volt" because Steven started calling him that the first time he wore it. The orange and yellow stripes indeed make him look like walking sunlight.  He tears his black silky sleep cap off his head and tosses it on the ground just like that peddler in Caps For Sale. He joins me on the couch, wraps his arms around my neck and says his first word of the day, "Mommy."

They really are something, these two. I know that most parents feel like their children hung the moon, but I think there may be actual scientific evidence indicating that these two, were indeed responsible.


What would I have liked to say if it weren't 11:19 pm, and I weren't about four minutes away from completely dozing off?


 That 18 months feels a lot different than six months. That I am a lucky person. That I would have waited another ten years to have the gift of these children in my life. That I don't deserve them. That I fail them. That I'll keep on trying. That I love them so, so much.

I have to go to bed now. Goodnight, and Keep on Truckin'.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

The School


 The Tesfa folks are in Ethiopia.

 They have been promised the above land for our school.

 It is in Meazi and Melese's village.


It is almost impossible to describe what it feels like to receive pictures like these in your morning e-mail, among the Baby Center newsletter, and an ad for a Lucky Brand sale.

With the average fertility rate of six kids per family, many of us have extended family 9,000 miles away.The idea that M&m's brothers and sisters, and cousins and friends, may have an opportunity to go to this school, is almost too much for me to comprehend.

Forgive me for asking before, now, and over and over in the future. For me this has become a sort of family emergency.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

About my son, the almost two-year old...

I don’t write that many posts about Melese. There are two reasons for this, I always feel like I am gushing when I write about him, and I really can’t come up with the right words to describe how much I love him. He is the person I am closest to. I spend my days with him. At night he sleeps right next to me, his little chest rising and falling, his tiny toes digging into my rib cage.

Cute, sweet, funny, smart, he is the ultimate baby, but he is not a baby anymore. He turns two on New Year's Day. I am grateful for every single minute I’ve been lucky enough to spend with him, (even the frustrating minutes when he is standing on the coffee table, throwing my Mac onto the ground).

I think about what he has been through in his short life, and my heart hurts for him. Like a turtle, he is resilient. 

Melese’s language developed slower than I thought it would, his super chatty sister rarely lets him get a word in edgewise. It has been a great joy to hear him speak new words. Months ago, we pulled into our driveway after running errands. I turned off the car and took a deep breath (because really, isn’t the car the most relaxing spot for a new parent? I mean a parked car with your children STRAPPED in safely? You know exactly where they are, and you can just rest for a moment). It was very quiet, I took a look at the front of our house and from the backseat I heard Melese say, “Home”. It was the first time he said the word. I looked at him and smiled, “Yes Melese, you are home.”

We have been going to Music Together classes. Melese, unlike all of the other kids in the class, wonders around during the songs. Occasionally he will make it back to the circle and plop down in my lap for a moment, but for the most part he likes to explore as he learns (something to remember when we begin to choose schools for him). Toward the end of the semester, during a song called, There’s a little wheel a turning in my heart, (we always substitute, “There’s a little boy Melese in my heart” when we sing it at home) Melese walked over, grabbed both of my hands, looked into my eyes and sang to me. It was the first time he really sang. Of course I began to cry because he was just so beautiful, and his voice was so sweet, and he was singing just to me.


Melese is extremely sensitive. He is empathetic. One of my saddest days with him was when we visited a friend who was having her hair done. Like almost every Ethiopian girl I know, this girl was crying while getting her braids. (Meazi cries every single time we do her hair, no matter what detangler, or conditioner we use). The cries of his friend were too much for Melese. He fell apart, completely. He was a mess for hours. It may have triggered something in him, but what it really felt like was empathy. He kept hugging and comforting his friend when her style was done. His big, gigantic, eyes still pooled with tears. 


People, Ethiopian women mostly, always tell me to cut his hair.
I cannot. Look at his curls! I will not. Yes, I know his name sounds like “Melissa,” and yes I know he is very pretty, and yes, folks think he is a girl, but I am not cutting his beautiful hair.

I know that he loves me, one of his other words is “Mommy,” or sometimes first thing in the morning when he wakes up and I am not there, “MAAAAAHHHHMAAAAAHH!!”
He is very affectionate. He loves both Steven and me. However, his person is still, and will always be…

His sister. She is it for him. She is his person. After we take her to school, every single time we leave the house between 8 and 2:30 he says, “Get Meazi?” When the blessed time finally arrives, we go and sit in the parking lot, waiting for her to come around the corner. The minute he sees her he bolts across the lot, running and shouting, “Meazi! Meazi Meazi!” He throws his arms around her eliciting a collective “Awwwww, from the teachers and other students.” It is, indeed an Awwww inducing moment. Meazi smiles and we trundle off to the car together, his posture showing a new relief that she is finally, at long last, back within arm's reach.


I could write one thousand posts about Melese, about what it means to me to be his mother. What a gift it is to be his mother. I hope I can say what I am going to say next without sounding like an entitled asshole. Here goes:

When you wait for something for so long, when you want something so much that the longing for it permeates every pore and fiber of your being, when you are a woman who wants, and tries for a baby for a full decade, to be given an opportunity to parent a baby, this baby, well, then you are humbled, and grateful, and really, really, happy.

On the day of our very last music class, the instructor played a lullaby on her guitar. Melese had been wandering around the room, not really paying too much attention. When the lullaby started he first sat in my lap, and then he got up and went around to each child in the class. He walked up to each one of them, gently reached out his hand and stroked their heads, one by one, around the circle. I cried again, as did some of the other moms. It was a moment as sweet as Melese himself.

Happy early Birthday my beautiful son. Being your mother has been the single most redemptive experience of my entire life. I love you.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Daddy Can Wear His Suitcase, You'll Wear That White Dress...

When Meazi was first learning English, she spent about two full months being obsessed with our wedding. She talked about it all the time. She looked at the photo albums. She watched the video we have. She told me that she wished she could have been there. I spent months muttering to myself indignantly, "Just another thing adopted kids miss! They don't even get to go to their parents' wedding!" I realize now, that this was a ridiculous thought that I had, and that kids don't get to be at their parents' wedding (unless it is a second marriage or something). I don't know why I temporarily forgot that biological kids miss this day too. In a way they are there though aren't they? All of their cells and parts 'to be' are present in the bodies of their mom and dad. Maybe they are just a little sparkle in their mom's eye, but in a way, I feel like they get to be there. Obviously not a major issue, but the fact that she was so sad about it made me sad.

We had the pleasure of going to Santa Fe over Thanksgiving. I originally had a big idea of getting Steven to renew our vows so that Meazi and Melese could get a small glimpse of what our wedding was like. Steven, because of work, only had two full days in Santa Fe. The kids and I flew out on Tuesday. On Wednesday night at 8:30 pm, Steven left work, picked up Teddy, and drove 13 plus hours to meet us in New Mexico. He left Sunday morning to get back in time for work. That, combined with the fact that Steven looked at me like I was crazy when I suggested renewing our vows, made me drop the idea. I had, however, checked to see if the same judge was available. It turns out he has a blog (is there anyone who doesn't have a blog at this point?).

We had a chance to take Meazi and Melese to the rooftop where we wed. The picture above is where our reception was. There was a family in there who had also snuck in through the kitchen to check it out. We told them that this was where our wedding had been. They asked if we would recommend it for their wedding. Steven looked at them and said, "Well, we are still married." They took this as a good sign. Meazi asked about the reception, and Steven told her about the dinner, and the speeches, and how papa dressed up like Elvis. He told her again about Mark's speech and how Mark told us to always look to the people present when we needed support and love.

Melese slept through the entire thing. Maybe it was the altitude. While we were there I was remembering how Meazi thought men wore 'suitcases' for special occasions. Her English has come a long way.

I was grateful for the opportunity to fill in our family's history with more than words and pictures. I was grateful for the opportunity to hold my children in my arms in that special spot. But Steven, if you change your mind, I always thought you looked quite handsome in that suitcase and I wouldn't mind putting on that white dress again, (although it would have to be let out). Imagine how cute the flower girl would be...

And the ring bearer...

Saturday, November 20, 2010

The Reason For A Blog.

I have been writing this blog for three years. First it was me blathering about loss and longing. Recently it has become me blathering about loss and having. I am 'having' a lot these days. So. Much.

My chairs are full.


I have two special someones tugging on my apron strings. I have become something that I didn't ever imagine myself being.

I have become a happy person.

There have been several guest bloggers on this blog. One of them wrote this:

Here is something I think about which falls a bit outside the usual discussion: whether adoptive families will in time become engaged advocates for Ethiopia. It isn’t sexy, the long term business of pushing for a democratic government or good US foreign policy in the Horn or advocating for infrastructure or the development of good farming practices. It isn’t nearly as clear-cut or gratifying as responding to a heart-breaking famine or loving a beautiful child. But Ethiopia desperately needs such advocates. I don’t mean to say that adoptive families have a special obligation – I know that decisions about what causes to support and how are personal ones informed by many factors. But if such families do help raise awareness about Ethiopia, or if they do become involved with these issues, then that, I think, would be a significant and very welcome consequence of adoption.

I think about this a lot. I have absolutely no idea how to help bring democracy to Ethiopia. I recently read an article about Obama putting pressure on Zenawi to clean up his human rights policies in Ethiopia. Zenawi basically told Obama to suck it. I'm paraphrasing here, but the gist of the article was that Zenawi is perfectly comfortable getting anything he may ever need from China, and really doesn't need the good U.S. of A to help him with anything. If Obama has no influence, how on earth would someone like me attempt to change anything? Someone whose concerns lie more in the mundane challenges like, "How do I get M&m to ingest one green vegetable this month?" Not bloody likely that I'll be able to do anything to help Ethiopia become more democratic.

Nine months ago I wrote an e-mail to another guest blogger, Jane Kurtz. I asked her if Ethiopia Reads would ever consider building a library in M&m's hometown. Fast Forward.

She said yes.

She said yes!

Ethiopia Reads will build a library in my son and daughter's hometown. I just need to raise the money.

If every person who hit this blog yesterday sent 50 bucks, it would be done. Just like that. Now I know that a lot of those hits were people Googling things like, "What kind of family picture should I absolutely NOT include in my homestudy?" and "What do you do if you accidentally feed your child spoiled sweet potatoes?" and that about sixteen of those hits were most likely my mom looking at these pics over and over, but nonetheless, it is worth giving it a go don't you agree? I know that folks are tapped out, and this is a terrible time economically. I know that everyone has their own cause too. That's why I don't imagine we will raise all of the money here on the eyes of my eyes site, but maybe we will raise some of it.


Last summer Meazi turned to me and said, "Mom, can you believe in Ethiopia I never even had one book?"

If you would like to make a donation to the Ethiopia Reads Library in Mudula, Ethiopia

Go HERE.

Scroll down to 'one time donation', pick an amount, and in the 'in honor of' field type- 'Mudula'.

And so we begin. The Reason for a Blog, Part I- A Library.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Just Julie

I recently had the opportunity to speak to a woman that I like very much. She told me that if my blog was any indication of how our attachment was going, things were just hunky dory. She used a better term than hunky dory, but I can't remember what it was.

I think we can all agree that attchment is an ongoing, lifelong, difficult process.

My Habesha Tortuga is quite attached to me. He strokes my arm when I hold him. He hugs and kisses me. He still prefers to sleep with his toes gripping my ribs to make sure that I am right there. When I say, "How much does mommy love you?" he squeals back, "Soooooooooo Much!!!"

Meazi is a tougher nut to crack. I know she likes me. Some days are beautiful. Some days are difficult.

Beautiful:

Meazi told me she made the above picture at school. She described it as a picture of her thinking about, and missing me, during a long day at school.

Difficult:


She put in an envelope addressed to "Julie".

I know that I am her mommy.

Sometimes to her...

I am just Julie.