March.
Meazi has had a couple of 'just home' behavior days; tantrums, meltdowns, and sleep disruptions. These seemed so out of place. Meazi has been so content for the last couple of months. The intensity of these 'off' days caused me to remark, "I wonder if it is an anniversary of something for her?" Many, many, of the adoptive moms on our old adoption agency forum used to post that their children had a very hard time on anniversaries of certain events (i.e. The day they were brought to the orphanage, the day they left Ethiopia etc).
I paused to remember what might have happened to Meazi and Melese around this time.
March.
I looked through my own calendar from last year. It is pretty empty.
Back before we had a referral, I remember during the waiting, when I had had a particularly hard day, friends would say, "Maybe your children are going through something." I always brushed this off as ridiculous. How could I possibly be feeling something for children I knew nothing about?
One day last March, I woke up horribly sad. It was more than a depressed feeling. I had a sadness so deep, and I had no idea where it was coming from. I knew it was not about me. Something external was happening. I felt so much despair. I went over to my calendar and scribbled the word tragic on the day's date. I knew something was happening to my future children whose names and story I had yet to learn. Tragic. I felt it.
In our referral information we found out that within forty-eight hours of that day, the tragedy that caused our children to be put up for adoption occurred.
March was a really bad month for Meazi and Melese.
I am hoping that March goes out like a lamb.
Posts
the universe is a miraculous place
ReplyDeletethis makes me sad and happy at the same time
it's a wonderful thing to have parents who listen so deeply.
i have chills right now. it's hard to know how to feel b/c the fact that you were able to FEEL for your children before you knew them in the midst of their tragedy is beautiful. but it is beauty amidst the pain.
ReplyDeleteon an entirely different note, i thought of you when i saw a 3D Dr. Labootie puzzle at Pier 1.
I absolutely believe that kids can have anniversary-date anxiety. My son has 2 times of year that are particularly bad - we will see if they diminish in time.
ReplyDelete((hugs)) to your babies.
ReplyDeletewhen my faith in human-kind starts to waver, I come here & you renew it. The roads to each other were so painful for you & your kids, but now that you are together, there's nothing you can't beat. ❤❤
ReplyDeleteSo heartbreaking. We are all so interconnected and j think it's amazing that you felt that. Thinking of your sweet children this month and praying for inner peace to start settling in.
ReplyDeleteI just want to thank you for sharing this.
ReplyDeleteMy R has trauma each Nov. due to similar circumstances.
Oh reading that post gave me goose bumps...we are more connected then we ever know!
ReplyDeletewow - that is amazing. and amazingly sad. i am so glad, for your children's sake, that you are tuned it to this!! you are such a great mama!
ReplyDeleteThe knitting of our hearts to our children is an amazing thing....
ReplyDeletemy arms are covered in goose bumps! I've had days like that to...day that I feel so deeply, tragically connected to our future children. It didn't make any sense to me as at the time I though we were adopting babies...we've since decided to adopt older children which, when I think about those moments..like what you experienced,...it takes my breath away...tears aren't enough.
ReplyDeleteThat is magic Julie...how deep your connection...may this march wrap them in soft, healing, lambs wool....so gentle.
Heartbreaking and beautiful. XOXO
ReplyDeleteI understand
ReplyDeleteIt gets a bit smoother, but still so very sad
Julie - wow! I cried when I read this post. This has been our world recently and I too grieved during that tragic time. Feeling much sadness for our children.
ReplyDeleteYeah. Hang in there M and m! Maybe March will forever be their time to reflect and feel and mourn.
ReplyDeleteJulie, that is really intense. I don't know if I've ever linked feelings like that, written it down, etc. You have been in tune with those sweet kids for a long time. Sweet Meazi. Hope it goes out like a lamb, too.
ReplyDeleteOh, wow. I'm sorry that Meazi is having some struggles, but it sounds like they are well-founded in remembering a very difficult time. It's amazing that you felt a connection to you children before they were your children. I love that, although of course I don't love the circumstances.
ReplyDeleteDitto Ditto Ditto Ditto Exclamation point Exclamation point Exclamation point!!!
ReplyDeleteMeazi is strong. Your family is strong together.
ReplyDeletePeace to you.
This is amazing and gave me goosebumps. To know that you felt their pain and tragedy before you knew them and knew they would be your children is so incredible.
ReplyDeleteOh how sad. So so sad for them and all they have lost.
ReplyDeleteOh Julie. Hugs to you and the family. While Antone is a little young to really understand the concept of time, March too was a traumatic time for him. I think about how dark last March was for us, as I watched the one year mark come and go. I walked around in a fog, not really functioning. I can only imagine what his family must have been going through as well.
ReplyDeleteYou and Steven are strong and Meazi is an amazing girl...wishing you good thoughts as you process through this together.
So much for a tiny little girl to be dealing with. And so much for her mama.
ReplyDeleteWe are still waiting and I have also kept track of different feelings, events etc... throughout this wait and I wonder too, where we will find connections between our children's journey and our journey. A
ReplyDeleteJulie you are such a beautiful soul. Love to your family this month.
ReplyDeletemarch sucks. it always does and you think it shouldn't so it sucks even more.
Not enough new posts to read on the interweb today and I am scrolling to see what I've missed. This is a perfect post for me today. The beginning of May is our month and it is starting. Mother's day could not come at a worse time this year ... too much. Heartbreaking. Thanks for this post. It helps frame what is happening in our house ... from K's birthday until May 10 ... hard days.
ReplyDelete