Sunday, June 7, 2009

The Day Everything Changed: Part III-Insomia caused by Euphoria.


Part I here. Part II here.

I didn't really sleep for the next five days. I would go to bed, put my head down, doze off and be instantly awakened by the slightest noise. My heart would start racing, and I would bolt into the living room to gaze at M & m's pictures, and read their PDF file for the 100th time. It was some sort of euphoria induced insomnia. Heather, who gave M & m those little people in the picture above, invited me over to lunch on Thursday. (Well, actually, Amy invited me, and Ms. Kat too.) I stumbled over there, and felt quite hazy. The three of them assured me that I was not , in fact, dreaming, and that they too had seen the photos, and that by some miracle I had received a referral of two siblings from Ethiopia. After lunch I stumbled into my car and drove home. On my way, I pulled up behind this car...
Can you read the license plate?

I found myself at a stop sign, and realized I was at M& m's school (remember the Funky Chicken school?) I threw the car into park and started to get out. Whoa, what am I doing? I just suddenly had the impulse to leave my car there in the street, run into the school and shout, "They are coming! This will be their school! Wait 'til you meet them! Which cubby is theirs?!" Thinking better of this idea, I got a hold of my excitement, put the car into drive and drove home.

Everything was like that though. Everything I saw, touched, smelled, ate, in the next few days (and now) is colored with thoughts of M&m. What will they think of this school/weather/Indian food ? I guess this must be how parents feel. Their thoughts are always shaped by their kids. I guess it is moving from self, or husband obsession, to child obsession.

We knew that we had a lot of practical things to take care of. We needed to get our local social worker to sign the referral acceptance, we needed to shop for their care packages, we needed to update all of our paperwork for our I-171-H, which expires at the end of the month. The best way to start, was to have lunch with Amy and LT. Auntie Amy bought Mr. Chunk of love his first pair of shoes...


I had asked Steven if he would like me to get the shopping done, but he wanted to come too so we waited until Saturday. Saturday and Sunday Steven had a bad cold, but we trudged about trying to create the perfect care packages. We went through photos for their albums, debating which pictures were best. We thought about what kind of outfit we would like to send them. There is a page in their file that contains cute little ID cards with their pictures and measurements. I had been having a hard time picturing their actual sizes. I actually scared the crap out of someone at the post office while trying to determine m's size...


I was mailing the acceptance paperwork in, and I noticed a woman with a baby. Coming up with a pleasantry to hide my ulterior motive I said, "Oh what a beautiful baby." She said thank you and I dove in "HOW MUCH DOES SHE WEIGH?" She replied, "13 pounds." To which I responded, "Oh, close...CLOSE!" Uhm, yeah, I should probably not be let out of the house at this point.

We finally converted the cm. into in. , and figured that Ms. M came up to my hip. We figured Mr. m was about 'so' big in my arms, and I skipped around the house holding an outstretched tape measure as if it were m himself. I still didn't really have a complete grasp of how big they are. I called my best friend Heather. It turns out that my goddaughter, Neve, is the exact same height, weight, size, and age as my daughter to be. What are the chances? Heather told me to send Ms. M something in size 3T. So Steven and I set off.

This is how I felt. When I actually saw what a dress this size meant, what a girl this size would be like, I completely lost it. I cried my eyes out in several stores...

I know, I know, my hair is a mess, my eyes are swollen, and I am not sure if I remembered to wear undergarments. That's what it has been like.


When I held a 6 to 9 months onesie, and pictured chunk of love in it, I lost it. Steven thought it was hilarious. There I am in the Target, in the Old Navy, at the Third Street Promenade, crying happy tears about a little, (really little!) girl, and her not so little brother. People must have thought I was a lunatic.

It was nearly impossible to find something for Ms.M. to wear. Steven kept saying, "It's not soft enough." (I know right? I couldn't make this stuff up.) We searched and searched for the softest possible garment we could find. Steven at one point said, "I wish we could find something fleece-lined. That would be soft enough." I assured him that Ms. M did not need a fleece-lined dress for summer in rural Ethiopia, and that I was pretty sure nothing like that existed. Finally at an outlet store on the promenade ( The strange yet somehow compelling Kitson store), Steven and I found some things that were soft enough. We got something in her current size (we think!) and something we hope she can wear when she comes home. They are very, very soft.


We also have voice recorders for the kidlets. Our friend Lauren did this for Marley, and we thought it was a nice idea. We can't finish them. Steven said, "I'd like to get some sounds of the ocean on there for them." (seriously folks, can you believe this dad to be?) We went to the beach yesterday, and the recording is way too loud from all of the wind. I think instead, we will add a few songs and stories today. We recorded the strange squealing sounds that Ted makes before his walk, and the sounds that the birds make in our yard in the early morning.

One night, six sleepless nights after the day our life changed, Steven picked up the guitar and placed the two wee voice recorders on the table next to him. He played some beautiful music that he had composed. The tapes rolled over and over. The dogs began to doze, and me, new mom to be, fell into her first, post referral slumber. Sweet, sweet slumber.


Coming soon, Part IV- The Cranky Curmudgeon Cynics' Society of California called, your membership has been revoked.

I am going to have to do a part IV about why I am that annoying person. There is already way too many annoying things in this post. Please forgive me. I have become, well, in a word, happy.

47 comments:

  1. Boy, Julie, I see I missed a lot. Got to read parts I-III all in one sitting. What a treat. What a thrill. What a journey. Such joy.

    What a privilege to get to follow this love story.

    xoxo

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  2. You had me both laughing and crying by "Wait til you meet them! Which cubby is theirs?"

    And ah yes I remember those days of stalking people with kids who looked to be about the right size. And the urge to ask, Excuse me, what size shirt is your son wearing?

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  3. It is so wonderful to read posts from the happy Julie...post referral euphoria is the best isn't it?:-)

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  4. That little yellow dress made me cry too.

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  5. Yikes, happy? What is that? Just kidding, Happy is good and so are those cute outfits. I can't wait to go shopping for my little girl...someday :)

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  6. I so love this! Bawled my eyes out at Old Navy last week holding a pair of 18 month old sized jeans! If you still haven't sent those one-gallon bags, don't forget to pop in a disposable camera for the nannies to take photos of M & m while you wait to go bring them home!

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  7. Oh my--I laughed, I cried. Thank you for sharing your story with all of us. I cried the first time I walked in to Gymboree looking for a dress for Peanut...

    Welcome to Motherhood :) Just wait until they get home and you check on them like 50 times a night (guilty of that myself).

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  8. After we got R's referral info, we were having so much trouble picturing her size, too. We measured a (Ethiopian) doll I had bought on ebay-- exactly the same length. It was so hard to believe something that tiny was going to be my responsibility!! And the clothes. Oh my goodness, I so was there. Enjoy every second...

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  9. am loving this series and might be passing it on to friends

    But you never told me that the softest onesie's ever came from KITSON! I always thought Paris and Lindsey shopped there for the paparazzi...apparently they just need soft clothes... :-)

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  10. this is incredible... thank you SO MUCH for sharing... amazing...
    becca :)

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  11. I love reading every little detail to do with your referral and post-referral days. Truly, it gets better once they come home. I told Ben today that I still look at Eli sometimes and think 'he looks just like his pictures.' Even though he's been with us almost six months, I've not gotten used to it. And, I'm glad. Because I appreciate him every single day. Just like you already appreciate your little ones - and will continue to do so every single day. It never gets old.

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  12. Every single part of this story makes me cry. The pics of you holding the dress, Steven's concern over getting soft dresses, the voice recorder, the sound of Teddy's squeaks... suddenly you're happy, and we're all crying. This makes perfect sense.

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  13. Just read your comments: YES! What Rebecca said! It's so so so true. It's been well over a year for us, and I'm still hit sometimes with the thought that, for several months of our lives, I loved this boy from very far away. You never get over that, not ever ever. Yesterday afternoon, I was uploading our backlog of photos to shutterfly, and while I was going through our first Christmas pictures with Abe, Billy Joel's "Lullaby" started playing on itunes, and I lost it, LOST IT. You never get over it. Never.

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  14. This post is awesome. The thought of you guys shopping for clothes for your kiddos is the sweetest thing. I love that Steven wanted to make sure the outfit was going to be super soft. What a wonderful dad he is going to be. :) You guys are so wonderful. :)

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  15. AWESOME!!

    OVER THE MOON WITH YOU!! (how's that for annoying?) tee hee!

    And, I actually believe that it isn't annoying when it is genuine, true, raw, beautiful emotion...let er rip!

    I really am over the moon, and back again, some sort of ecstatic whirly bird of joy for you! HOORAY!

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  16. ok getting very jealous from this post. not jealous about you having a referral - SO BEYOND HAPPY FOR THAT! BUT SO JEALOUS that you were in TARGET AND OLD NAVY!!! When back in the States I do a little Hal-a-lu-er DANCE when walking into a Target!
    You are not annoying you are just a parent- we are all annoying when it comes to our kids!
    :)

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  17. What a wonderful post. I love all 3 parts of the story so far.

    That picture of you holding the yellow dress is my favorite of you, ever! It just says so much. You have to keep it, frame it, and tell your little girl the story some day.

    I bet she will feel smaller than you think. Sometimes the weights coming in from Ethiopia include clothes, diapers, shoes. :) At least that was the case with Zufan. She felt so tiny to me when we first met her.

    Looking forward to part 4! It is so fun to see you this way. Remember, too -- it is also OK when/if the first thrill lessens a bit. A range of emotion is normal. In any case, you couldn't be annoying, in any state.

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  18. (1) correction: not "daughter to be" just daughter. M & m are YOUR CHILDREN NOW. Nothing is going to stop or change that.
    (2) my sweet Yeabsera has that red stripped romper. I'm taking it to ETH and will post pictures of his little 16 lb body in it for you.

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  19. Julie, I couldn't have wished happiness on anyone more deserving. I've just read all of htese at once - ahhhhh!

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  20. I love Steven's concern for the softest fabric(what a sweet daddy), and I love the pic of you with the yellow dress. It shows so clearly all the emotions of the day.
    Jenny

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  21. Along with everything else... actually I meant to comment on this on the post before the referral... It is so nice to... "have you back'... you know.. you are writing again and its so wonderful to read. Heartwarming. Inspiring. Touching. Moving. Thank you so much for sharing your wonderful story. thank you.

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  22. oh- ps. This is hitting my 'highlight real'.

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  23. Never ever ever apologize for being insanely happy. It is not annoying- it is hopefully and thrilling and wonderful. Any human that would be annoyed by your elation isn't someone you want to know anyway. You guys are rock stars.

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  24. oh yes, BTW, the SOFTEST baby clothes I've found are at Hannah Andersson. It's my favorite place to splurge.

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  25. Loved the pictures of you at baby stores and reading parts I, II and III! Looks like time to travel is getting shorter ... yippee!

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  26. Your happiness makes me happy!

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  27. Beautiful....our favorite soft brand is babysoy...just perfect for little m, but probably too small for Ms. M.

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  28. Ok I do the same thing with babies. I keep flying up to random strangers. How much does your baby weigh? How tall? what size clothes? what size shoes? Can i hold him/her to see what that weight feels like (so far no takers on the "can I hold him/her for 19 hrs so i can simulate the plane experience.") Its ok. we are ALLLL doing it. and that tape recorder is an awesome idea!

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  29. Not soft enough? Sound of the waves? Sending songs? Oh my. I can't WAIT to see photos of him in action.

    This is the best triology of blog posts ever. Welcome to the happiness.

    Do you think you're annoying because you want to tell about all the signs, and the everything working out just perfectly, and your desire to tell all waiting people that it really will be okay and worth the wait, and matched with just the right kids, etc.? All the stuff that sounded so cliche and annoying while you were waiting? I definitely felt like my post-referral euphoria would be really annoying to me if I was still waiting. Maybe that's not what you are talking about, but I can't imagine how you could possibly be annoying. Parts 1 & 2 & 3 should appear in the dictionary as antonyms to annoying.

    Adey was the first name we agreed on for a middle name for Aster, but then became adverse to the aliteration. She came as close as you can get to being Aster Adey. Looking at it written there, I wonder why we didn't do it. I love the name Adey and I love how much you love Ethiopian daisies that bloom in the spring.

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  30. P.S. I just looked at your "timeline" to see if you put your referral date on there yet. Remeber when you bought a 6 lb. bag of M&Ms for a potsuck? Man, that cracked me up. Talk about a change in blogtone.

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  31. I am loving the way you are feeling right now. Hang on to it, it is an amazing time that you guys are in now. The space between referral and travel is truly dream like. Reading your story made me remember when I would pour over our referral photos and our children's stories- analyzing their expressions and memorizing every word in the report.

    Keep writing this stuff down, it is so important and so wonderful to read.

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  32. these posts are maybe the best thing i've read on the internet EVER. your joy is flowing out through your words and although i don't know you i am THRILLED for you and your husband!!! we are also waiting to adopt siblings from ethiopia. but we still have the long wait in front of us. YOU are THERE!!! and i'm so very happy for you.

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  33. WOW... its so much fun reading the comments to your amazing posts!! You took me back to the weepy shopping trips we went on buying sweet baby dresses (yes soft is best) for our new daughter waiting for us on the other side of the world:) Everything we bought ended up being the wrong size... tooo small. Our 6th month old was only 8 pounds.
    Zoie Senait has been home almost a year now and there are days when I look in the back & see Ms Beauty in her car seat & I cry again. How did this miracle happen to us. We waited so long & feel grateful everyday for our princess:)
    We are soooo happy for you & your journey to love.
    xoxo

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  34. So, so happy for you! I loved reading Parts I - III & look forward to others segments & M&M's homecoming.

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  35. Best. Moment. Ever.

    Love each chapter. Keep going, my heart swells with tingles and I am so falling in love with your family.

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  36. I can't help how much I love hearing every word. Julie, when you go to Ethiopia, you have to write while you are there or by the time you get back you might forget a beautiful detail and we can't have that.

    You look so pretty standing there with the yellow dress. You reek of happy. I am so glad you talked about how Steven is feeling or things he says or thinks. I love that the clothes needed to be very soft.

    You being happy is absolutely not annoying. In any way.

    Christine

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  37. I simply don't know what is more awesome...the cheese stuffed squash blossoms or Steven trying to record the ocean into tiny recorders. I guess that shows that I'm hungry right now.

    Wow! It is so magnificent that these little ones are coming home. If you have a moment to let me know...what is the timeline at this point? Just a few more weeks a month until a court date is scheduled?

    And swiss chard..mmmmm...my favorite! You can do so little to it and it tastes great. And have you seen the "Little Giraffe" blankets at Nordstrom's (and maybe other places)? I have been a babysitter and a nanny for years and years and their is simply NO OTHER blanket or blanket square that is more luxurious and soft. Steven would want one or several for himself...I guarantee. Check them out!

    I wish you yet another incredible day as the mother of a little girl and a tumbly boy. What a fun life it must be!

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  38. All three parts of your posts so far have made me weepy with joy. I too asked all my friends with toddlers how big they were and stared too long at kids in stores trying to figure out if Buturo was their size.

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  39. favorite post ever!

    No no no - you look absolutely wonderful in the photo holding the dress! You do.

    which cubby is theirs! Oh yes, this obsession will never ever leave you. And this will be your biggest obsession ever! Because you are their MOM. So big. So very very very big.

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  40. Why don't we live closer, rather than opposite sides of the country?? Complete relief to read your posts...I thought I had just gone completely nuts. I'm loving this whirlwind of first time mom and it sounds like you are too. Big hugs :)

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  41. You have had me fully captured in these last 3 posts and I have loved every minute of it. Thank you SO much for sharing you, your thoughts, and visions of gum drops in Ethiopia that will soon have very soft and very chubby clothes sent to them with beautiful sounds of their forever home. *hug*

    Theresa

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  42. this is so beautiful!! oh-my gosh!!! floating in that ethereal plane of motherhood bliss...a gift bigger then anything even imagined...

    no one can explain..there are no words until you are there, and the you know!
    I was just reading a bed time story (Eragon pg 169) to our 11 year old and I came across this...it is talking about the sea but I think parenthood is the same....

    "the sea (motherhood) is emotion incarnate. It loves, hates, weeps. It defies all attempts to capture it with words and rejects all shackles. No matter what you say about it, there is always that which you can't"

    my heart is swelling with happiness for you guys! welcome to big, big love times a million!

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  43. Julie.... I just returned from Australia and am now checking in with blog world. I cannot tell you how happy I am for you guys! M&m are very very lucky. ;-)

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