Dear Santa...

Guess what Santa is bringing for Melese.

In a Good News/Bad News Situation...

Good news, Meazi's school provides free music lessons during lunch.

Bad news, Meazi has chosen the violin.

These Days

And I would go so far just to be where you are... would take no time bringing my heart to you. 

These days I am a really good mother...

While they are sleeping.

It's the when they're awake part that I need to work on.

I usually wake up around 5:30, giving me a full 30-45 minutes to get my shit together. This week was particularly tough for some reason. The kids have been bickering a lot. All of us have had numerous meltdowns. Three of our four kitchen chairs have been decimated by the two-year old. Not sure how we are going to have family meals anymore without chairs. I think Meazi is a little anxious because school is winding down. She is also sad that her dear friend Masha is leaving to go to Russia for the summer. This 'short four day' week has dragged on and on. I am depleted.

Before they wake up, I have it all figured out. I will not raise my voice. I will not nag her to get into the car so we can make the first school bell. I will listen to him more, and make sure he has a lot of my undivided attention.

I will cut down on the processed food. I will measure their feet again and make sure I have them in the right size shoes. I will schedule a dental appointment for Meazi. I will go through their clothes and take out what is too small. I won't cry so much in front of them. I will set a good example. I will teach them coping skills that they will use throughout their lives.

Doesn't happen. There isn't time. I am navigating meltdowns, and low blood sugar episodes. I am refereeing. I am asking them to put away their toys for the 13th time apparently in a voice so harsh that it causes Meazi to cry and say, "Mom you are scaring me!"

One mistake can go through this life so slow, want to keep myself from making two.

I don't want to keep making so many mistakes. One mistake can go through this life so slow.

But each sunrise, I get another chance.

And the sun will rise and we'll open up our eyes and see love showing what's really true.

I get another chance to remember to wear my homemade Mother's Day pin.

 I get another chance to give my undivided attention to his amazing Buzz Lightyear shoes.

I get another chance to be the mother that I thought I would be.

These Days is a song I am listening to over and over lately. It is on this album. It is a beautiful song. I can't find a video of Alison singing it, but I did find this one. Think I'll give it another listen.

Lift me up consume my darkness. Mother's Day.

I will walk out of the darkness

And I'll walk into the light

And I'll sing the song of ages

And the dawn will end the night

We have this homemade cd in the car. Meazi asked for #6 over and over again yesterday. While I was waiting to become a mother, I used to listen to this song over and over, and cry and cry about always dwelling on the threshold.

I'm a dweller on the threshold
And I'm waiting at the door
And I'm standing in the darkness
I don't want to wait no more
I have seen without perceiving
I have been another man
Let me pierce the realm of glamour
So I know just what I am
I'm a dweller on the threshold
And I'm waiting at the door
And I'm standing in the darkness
I don't want to wait no more
Feel the angel of the present
In the mighty crystal fire
Lift me up consume my darkness
Let me travel even higher
I'm a dweller on the threshold
As I cross the burning ground
Let me go down to the water
Watch the great illusion drown
I'm a dweller on the threshold
And I'm waiting at the door
And I'm standing in the darkness
I don't want to wait no more
I'm gonna turn and face the music
The music of the spheres
Lift me up consume my darkness
When the midnight disappears
I will walk out of the darkness
And I'll walk into the light
And I'll sing the song of ages
And the dawn will end the night
I'm a dweller on the threshold
And I'm waiting at the door
And I'm standing in the darkness
I don't want to wait no more
I'm a dweller on the threshold
And I cross some burning ground
And I'll go down to the water
Let the great illusion drown
I'm a dweller on the threshold
And I'm waiting at the door
And I'm standing in the darkness
I don't want to wait no more
I'm a dweller on the threshold
Dweller on the threshold
I'm a dweller on the threshold
I'm a dweller on the threshold

"Mom, I hear so many instruments in this song." She named each one, and Melese screamed at us to turn it up "Youder!" And so we did.

You Are The Sun

Little Wing

Tuesday is Show & Tell day. I mentioned what Meazi brought two weeks ago. Last week she brought a lovely photo book. The book was made by my friend Deb. It documents the time from our M&m 'baby' shower, to our arrival at LAX, and even the first few minutes of Meazi and Melese seeing their new home for the first time. It was an incredibly thoughtful gift.

Last night Meazi said, "Oh I can't wait to go to school tomorrow and do that thing that adults do with those tables and those pens!" She meant voting. Her class is doing a mock voting. I said, "That's great Meazi, and what will you bring to share for Show & Tell?"

She is bringing this picture of Jimi Hendrix.

Did I mention that I love her?

I asked her what she would tell the class and she said, "That he was a great musician who played the guitar, and that he had a really nice deep voice."

I was tempted to send my I-phone with her so she could play Little Wing for everyone. Can you think of a better song to mellow out those little Kinder Kidlets and get them ready for a big day of learning about voting and the letter 'P'? (Remember when I could put songs on the blog? I really liked that). You'll have to just go find Little Wing on your own and get yourself ready for a mellow day of voting.

What We Sent, What it Meant. Part II-One Voice

$34.99.

Thirty-four dollars, and ninety-nine cents. This may be the best money we ever spent. On the advice of this mom we sent a voice recorder to Meazi. We also purchased and sent one to Melese, but I don't think his was ever used.

We filled Meazi's recorder with songs, stories, and sounds from our home. Of course we were pronouncing her name wrong during the whole recording process, but I think she will eventually forgive us for that. This voice recorder was the single most important item that we sent ahead of time to Meazi.

I had wondered if the nannies at the orphanage would have the time to find it, give it to her, and show her how to use it. I thought it was a long shot, and that surely the staff had more pressing things to take care of at a very busy care center. I thought about how every single Ethiopian person that I know loves the singer Gigi. I thought that if I put a Gigi song on the recording, it would definitely get played.

It was played. And played again. I don't think I can convey how useful this small item became when we actually got to Ethiopia.

Meazi was afraid. Wouldn't you be if these two people came to take you home with them? I had asked the nannies for the care package back. Our agency did a great job with the transition period for the children. You'd see them briefly the first couple of days, and eventually they would spend more time with you. In the beginning, when Meazi and Melese started coming back to the guest house with us, Meazi would cling to that recorder. She would fast-forward, rewind, and flip the tape over to the other side. I would hear my own voice reading a story, or mispronouncing her name. She would be holding it up to hear ear, eyes wide, staring at me, trying to put the voice to my face. She did it with Steven's voice too. It was as if she was confirming what the social workers and nannies had been telling her; these people are your adoptive parents.

Meazi was terrified the night we took her into custody. The day, although celebratory in some ways, was one of the saddest days of my whole life, and I am sure it was one of the scariest days of her whole life. It is why we will never celebrate it as a "Gotcha" day, not ever.

She kept listening to the recorder. She walked around our small guest room listening to it over and over, the metal up against her ear.

It played the Gigi song. I chimed in, "To the one God we all have, to the one God we all love...." She looked at me. She couldn't believe that I knew the words. She smiled. When we got to the "Sing, sing" part, we sang together, she in a very soft breathy voice, (a voice that she sometimes uses now and will always be an indicator to me that she is feeling scared). From that point forward, we would always sing those parts together. Eventually, during that adoption week, she started to put the recorder down.

When something came up that was disconcerting to her, she would look at me with those gigantic eyes and start singing those words, waiting for me to sing with her. I would, she would smile, and then relax a little. It would happen several times a day. My mom had sent along a little "lovey" for Meazi, you know those mini-blanket things that kids sometimes use for security? It was soft and cute with a puppy head at the top. Meazi had no interest in it. This cold, metal, voice recorder was Meazi's lovey. The music on it was a universal language. It was our way to communicate when communication seemed impossible.

When we got home, Meazi had the recorder with her for the first few weeks, if not held up against her ear, then in very close proximity. She always knew where it was.

I played some Ethiopian videos for Meazi on Youtube when we got home. Almost every morning, for the first few weeks, Meazi would wake up and say, "Gigi mommy." Groggily we would make our way to my computer, go to the link, and play the song that helped us come together.

One of our first days home...



More recently...




Thirty-four dollars and ninety-nine cents.

Happy Memorial Day

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

That is Elmo with his friend Aliya.

HERE is a moving Memorial Day story from NPR.

To call for hands of above to lean on...

I am thinking a lot about this friend, and this friend today.

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

One night to be confused
One night to speed up truth
We had a promise paid
Four hands and then away

Both under influence
We had a divine sense
To know what to say
Mind is a razor blade

To call for hands of above
to lean on
Wouldn't be good enough
for me, no

One night of magic rush
The start a simple touch
One night to push and scream
And then relief

Ten days of perfect tunes
The colors red and blue
We had a promise made
We were in love

To call for hands of above
to lean on
Wouldn't be good enough
for me, no

To call for hands of above
to lean on
Wouldn't be good enough

And you, you knew the hand of the devil
And you, kept us awake with wolves teeth
Sharing different heartbeats
In one night

To call for hands of above
to lean on
Wouldn't be good enough
for me, no

To call for hands of above
to lean on
Wouldn't be good enough

The Good, The Bad, and The Teddy...

A few weeks ago I took Teddy to the vet to see if his super powers of flying through the air, and leaping bushes in a single bound, were directly related to being on too high a dose of thyroid medicine. They were.

While we were there, the vet found a lump under his lip and said, "I don't like the looks of this." She then went on to talk about how dogs at this age,"Go like Dominoes, one right after the other." I almost punched her. She wanted to biopsy the lump, and started talking about x-rays, jaw surgeries, chemotherapy, and radiation. This, to me, was out of the question. I wasn't going to put Ted through that.

A few days ago the lump became infected and began to bleed. I took him to the same place we have taken our other two dogs for cancer surgeries. While the vet told me Ted's options (all of them involving expensive, invasive surgeries) I burst into tears and said,"We had a splenectomy for Lummi here and she died twenty-nine days later!" I think I was having some sort of post traumatic stress at this place. It was the same room, the same doctor, (He also removed several cancerous lumps from Moses) and the same bad news. At the time of Lummi's surgery they had said to us, either you operate, or she dies. We had them do the surgery, and less than a month later we watched another vet inject her with the drug that would stop her heart.

It seems that I am going to need your advice about coping skills. I know this place is a sad place, there are gigantic boxes of Kleenex in every room for a reason, but still, I should be able to keep it together.

Ted's lump had to come off. They took a huge wedge of his lip off, and are sending it to be biopsied. I am hopeful, that by removing it, we have bought The Ted some time. I am also hopeful that he never, ever looks at me the way he looked at me yesterday. He was furious, and so sad.

A few days before this happened, I opened my laptop to find tickets to see this guy. Steven surprised me, and we had planned to go last night. Since the Ted was in full recovery mode, we didn't want to leave him alone. We offered the tickets, along with babysitting to our friends. We were going to be home anyway. No one wanted the tickets, someone wanted the babysitting...



Abe tried to cheer Ted up by showing him his favorite Lisa Loeb video. You know the dog is in a bad way if Abe Rooney can't cheer him up.


Abe Rooney is serotonin in a pair of Stride Rites.


Later, a stranger from Silverlake came by with his friend to take us up on the tickets. (Yay Craigslist). They thanked us for the free show, and gave us a bottle of wine.

Not even Abe Rooney could make me feel better about the possibility of losing another dog. I know that some of you out there really understand this. These dogs, maybe they mean more to us than they should.

They are both so good with kids too.

I want them to be good with our kids.

For Sara...

I don't know why I was thinking of Sara so much while listening to this today. She received her referral last week for a beautiful baby girl. She has consistently sent me love through the internet, and I am grateful. Sara is a soulful mama to two beautiful boys, who are going to be stellar big brothers.

Does anyone else have a mad crush on Ray LaMontagne? Even though he seems like the twitchy love child of Joe Cocker and, well, whom? Someone fabulous I am sure.

Happy Sunday.

I was going to do a Garden Tour, but it is raining. Perfect weather for some Ray, and a hot mug of coffee.

Congratulations Sara. I can't wait until you shelter her in your arms (How's that for a wrap up! Cheeeeeesy!!)

Fill Me Up...

Life is difficult, wouldn't you agree?

My husband surprised me last night. He had been out shopping for work. He hit the thrift stores. (A little background, Steven has always thought that it is a bad idea to purchase anything for our future children. A lot of this has to do with the losses we have experienced in the past, and it also seems to have something to do with his being raised Jewish (apparently Jewish tradition discourages getting anything for the baby before he or she is born). Last night, after a disheartening week, my husband walked in the door with these....


Yep, Giraffe kiddo chairs, complete with sippy cup holders, and a compartment to hold your books, or Goldfish, or toys, or mini-remote control. This item of hope, found at the Goodwill Store made me really happy. The night before we had had a long discussion about a new development in Ethiopian adoption. I don't want to go into it here on the blog too much, but in a nutshell, kids waiting for adoption will not be allowed to stay in agency care centers anymore until after they pass court. We were feeling sad and worried about this, and what it might mean for the kiddos. I was feeling discouraged and depleted, anxious and angry.

Somehow this chair purchasing, something that was completely out of character for my husband, eased my mind a bit. I pictured our two kids, side by side in their little chairs, sipping on sippy cups in our living room. I thought, "Oh this will be a good chair for them to sit in when I do their hair." I thought about all the places these little chairs could be perched; on the sidelines of a soccer match, at a Fourth of July celebration, on the pier at my parents' house, in the Habesha Garden. These chairs made me feel like it was going to be okay. The purchasing of them, in of itself, reveals a lessening of pain in my husband. It is hard to have hope for the future if the mind is full of grief from your recent past. These chairs, grubby and used, hinted to me that maybe Steven was a little bit excited about the adoption. There is a lightness in his act of purchasing them, a hopefulness in their sagging seats, a promise of a future in their tattered edges.

For a moment I glance at the chairs. The sun streams behind them. They are empty, but look eager for occupants. I think about my husband in the middle of his work day stopping in his tracks when he sees them. I picture him placing them gently into the back of his car. I think of him thinking about our future.

I think about him being hopeful, and it fills me up.

Fill Me Up - Shawn Colvin

For My Fellow Waiters...

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

Now is the Winter...

Now is the winter of our discontent
Made glorious summer by this sun of York;
And all the clouds that lour'd upon our house
In the deep bosom of the ocean buried.
Now are our brows bound with victorious wreaths;
Our bruised arms hung up for monuments;
Our stern alarums chang'd to merry meetings,
Our dreadful marches to delightful measures.
Grim-visag'd war hath smooth'd his wrinkled front;
And now,--instead of mounting barbed steeds
To fright the souls of fearful adversaries,--
He capers nimbly in a lady's chamber
To the lascivious pleasing of a lute.


At first glance, the first line of this speech from Richard the Third seems to mean that he and his pals are having a horrible winter; a winter full of despair,(not easily cured with a artificial lamp custom-made to aid seasonal affective disorder), BUT if you read it again you realize that he means that his discontent is almost over. Richard's discontent is in the winter of its life cycle. It is almost dead.

As is Ours...

Some folks have asked if we have been nesting. Here is a song that describes exactly how we are nesting. Again, this song at first listen sounds depressing and sad, BUT listen again. Close your eyes and crank it up.

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Run to your dreaming
When you're alone
Unplug the TV, turn off your phone
Get heavy on with digging your ditch

Cause I'm digging a ditch where madness gives a bit
Digging a ditch where silence lives
Digging a ditch for when I'm old
Digging this ditch my story's told

Where all these troubles
That weigh down on me will rise
Run to your dreaming
When you're alone
Where all these questions
Spinnin' around my head
Will die, will die, will die...

Run to your dreaming
When you're alone
Unplug the TV, turn off your phone
Get heavy on with digging your ditch

Cause I'm digging a ditch where madness gives a bit
Digging a ditch where silence lives
Digging a ditch when I am through
Digging this ditch I'll dig in for you
Where all these worries
Weigh it down on me will rise
Where all these habits
Pull heavy at my heart
will die


Run to your dreaming
When you're alone
Not what you should be or what you've become
Just get heavy on with digging your ditch

Cause I'm digging a ditch where madness gives a bit
Digging a ditch where silence lives
Where all these dissapointments, grow angry out of me
Will rise...
Will die...
Will die...
Will die...

Run to your dreaming
When you're alone
Unplug the TV
And turn off your phone
Get heavy on with digging your ditch

Winter...

A Winter Song for all of you...

HERE

Happy Holidays.

We are hitting the road.

New song mix for you too, on the sidebar.

Listening to...

I am a little bit obsessed with this song today. You have to wait until it gets to 59 seconds for it to start. Worth the wait, in my opinion. Enjoy.

Fordlandia - Johann Johannsson

We Bend and We Break...But We Don't Give up...

We are having a trying week. But we don't give up. There will be joy...one day.

A Message From Ethiopia...

I know that when my solid Midwestern relatives read this post they are going to say to each other,"Julie has been in California too long."

This child gave me a message from Ethiopia today. I'm not kidding. I don't usually believe in stuff like this. This beautiful child, home only one month, told me to hold on. She wrapped her frail arms tightly around me, snuggled her head against my chest, and then patted my back with the smallest hand known to mankind. It was as if she was saying," I just came from there, your children are there, you need to hold on, be strong, and breathe". This resilient, beautiful, loving child said,"I have been through so much, get over yourself." Well actually she said it in a nicer way, with a smile, outreached arms, big beautiful eyes, and a hug like no other.

Strange, wondrous, unbelievable moment...

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Tagged, Movie Soundtrack Edition...

Julie has tagged me. I asked if I could just link to THIS POST. She said no. She even threatened to paint my house purple. I am pretty sure she knows where I live. A purple house is nice, but I decided to oblige her on one condition: She agrees to vote for Obama She lets me post 'Six of my Favorite Soundtrack Moments' instead of 'Six Random Things.'

First, JT's Fire and Rain as used in one of my all time favorite movies, Running on Empty...




Next, Pachelbel's Canon in D as used in the opening of another of my all time favorite movies, Ordinary People...




Then, Elton John's Tiny Dancer as used in Cameron Crowe's, Almost Famous. (In general I believe CC is a genius in matching songs to scenes in movies)...



And speaking of genius in soundtracks, My next choice is Van Morrison's Sweet Thing as used in Moonlight Mile. I can't find a video of it, so you have to rent the movie. Great movie with a fantastic soundtrack...



Next, Elton John's Rocket Man (covered by My Morning Jacket) , in Californication. This one has more to do with my obsession with Jim James.



And tied for sixth,

Peter Gabriel's In Your Eyes in Say Anything...



And The Beatles Twist and Shout as performed by Ferris Bueller...




And speaking of Ferris Bueller, how about the Dream Academy's cover of the Smith's Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want...




Oh, and one more runner up, Beck's Everybody's Got to Learn Sometime as used in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind...(This is just a trailer, rent the movie).

AND, of course, any movie that uses this woman's music in its soundtrack...

So Julie, is my little white house safe?

Whom shall I tag? How about anyone who wants to do it? Anybody have a movie soundtrack moment that brought them to tears? Made them smile? Made them reminisce?

Music and movies, two of life's great gifts. Wouldn't you agree?

Anniversary Song.

First Meeting...

Best Man & Maid of Honor. October, 1994. Santa Fe, New Mexico.




Five Years Later...

Bride & Groom. September 18th, 1999. Santa Fe, New Mexico.




In the interim...

Living in Sin on Agua Fria Street. Santa Fe, New Mexico.

To Steven,
Today and always, I am grateful for the gift that you are, and the life that we share. Happy Anniversary.


To my Cyberspace pals,

Grab your honey, press play, sing along LOUDLY.

Have you ever seen a sight as beautiful
As that of the rain-soaked purple
Of the white birch in spring?

Have you ever felt more fresh or wonderful
Than on a warm fall night
Under a mackerel sky,
The smell of grapes on the wind?

Well I have known all these things
And the joys that they can bring
And I'll share them all for a cup of coffee
And to wear your ring

Have you ever had the pleasure of watching
A quiet winters snow slowly gathering
Like simple moments adding up?

Have you ever satisfied a gut feeling
To follow a dry dirt road that's beckoning you
To the heart of a shimmering summers day?

Well I have known all these things
And the joys that they can bring
And Ill share them all for a cup of coffee
And to wear your ring

And I don't know how I survived those days
Before I held your hand
Well I never thought that I would be the one
To admit that the moon and the sun
Shine so much more brighter when
Seen through two pairs of eyes than
When seen through just one

Have you ever seen a sight as beautiful
As a face in a crowd of people
That lights up just for you?

Have you ever felt more fresh or wonderful
As when you wake
By the side of that boy or girl
Who has pledged their love to you?

Well I have known all these things
And the joys that they can bring
And now every morning there's a cup of coffee
And I wear your ring