Friday, November 6, 2009

Lose Weight While You Sleep....

Remember all of those ads, "Lose weight while you sleep?" I feel like co-sleeping has been the equivalent to that phrase in terms of attachment for us. In my opinion, co-sleeping is the easiest way to facilitate attachment with your adopted kiddos. You have to sleep, they have to sleep, you might as well cozy up together.


I have slept with Meazi and Melese every day since we have been together; at night, and at the beginning of every single nap. Steven, except for that difficult transition month where he slept many nights on the couch (primarily because we were not getting along, and we were passing pinkeye and ringworm back and forth) has also been sleeping in the family bed. I highly recommend this. Yes, it is true, you will most likely get kicked, punched, and peed on. It is worth it. I feel like it is an attachment "Gimme." Is that the term for when you get something for free without any effort? An attachment Freebie as it were.


We are still working out the kinks with the actual set up. We started with a queen sized bed, next to a twin bed, with a futon on top to cover the cracks a small person might fall into. That has changed because my little tortuga has become more mobile. We needed to take the bed off of the frame and lower it. Now we have mattresses and box springs together, with two bed rails at the foot.

I think it is worth trying. I know a lot of people say, "My child really does better in his own room," but I think everyone should at least attempt it. It is not always comfortable, it is not always easy, but I think you will find that it is completely worth it. I am not trying to be didactic, but I do feel strongly about this. Meazi and Melese were in orphanage rooms with at least a dozen other children for months. Before that they slept with brothers and sisters on straw, on the ground. They have never, ever, slept alone, and won't for some time.

There is something wonderful about being able to instantly soothe your child when they wake up in the middle of the night. There is something incredibly rewarding about a tiny arm flung around your neck, a small warm hand reaching for yours under the covers, and a gummy smile flashed at you in the early morning hours.


Maybe you are worried about your sex life? What is this word, "sex" that you refer to? Just kidding...sort of. Yes, it may put a small damper on your sex life, but there are ways around it. You most likely have other rooms in your house no? Or maybe you have a couch that pulls out? (Sorry to put that image into the heads of all of my-relatives-that-are-soon-to-be-coming-to-our-house-for the-holidays-and-need-to-sleep-on-the-hide-a-bed).

Does this sound preachy? I don't want it to. But maybe I can give someone who is considering it, the impetus to go ahead and give it a shot.

Meazi is a very restless sleeper. It takes her, for the most part, a very long time to fall asleep. After tossing, turning, and not sleeping, she will sometimes say, "Sleep on mommy's chest." She'll climb on me, put her head on my chest, and in the time it takes me to take three deep breaths, she'll fall fast asleep. I feel like I am her anchor, tethering her to the ground. I know that at those moments she, at least for a little while, feels completely safe.

Other benefits, the unused crib becomes a great receptacle for clean laundry, "Honey have you seen my blue shirt?" "Check the laundry crib." The unused crib can be used as a playroom, or a place to assemble a festive animal Conga line.


The toddler bed can still be utilized as well.


Nighty-Night.

Here is a link with a good list for creating a completely safe Family bed.

32 comments:

  1. I wholeheartedly agree with you on this topic. The reality of our crib was that it was just for looks (not that I knew that in the beginning, I definitely thought we would use it.) I sometimes wonder if I will even bother putting it back up for the next little one.

    The difficult part, though, is that sooner or later you come to a point when you want those little buggers out and it's hard to give them the boot :)

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  2. I am starting to think that the only furniture you have in your house are beds!

    Thanks for this, I've been thinking about the sleep thing and this helps a lot...

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  3. We co-slept with R, too! And I completely agree with you. It wasn't something we'd planned to do, but it was what she needed to feel secure. We couldn't really argue with that! Especially when I returned to work, she really needed to be right by my side in order to sleep. When any trauma occurs (breaking her arm this summer), she comes back to bed with us. I'm totally ok with that!

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  4. I love this! We don't co-sleep but Micah usually comes into our bed at some point during the night. I love it. I love the arm flung across my neck and waking up to his sleepy face. I guess we're part time co-sleepers and that works for us. :)

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  5. this was a great post. we co-slept with lulu at first, but we had never done it with our older 3 and it didn't last too long. i love the way you present it all...not at all preachy. lol about the conga line!

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  6. Happy for you that co-sleeping has been this powerful! We were less successful/tolerant, even though (in theory) I'd love to cosleep with the boys until middle school (at which point I adamantly refuse to even touch their sheets, let alone sleep in them). We gave it up after the first month because we also weren't getting along-- and while the increased opportunity for sex was not siezed upon and did not provide the magic solution to our issues, getting a little more sleep made us more understanding of one another. This is a topic I'd like to write about too! Anyway, yay for you guys!!! xo

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  7. Great post!! And as a mom who has co-slept with children for 16 years, I can whole-heartedly say they do eventually want their own space... My teen boys have zero interest in the family bed...haha! Never was a problem getting them out of our bed. But I will so miss it when our youngest finally leaves our big bed nest! Our king + twin will be way too big for two... :( Wherever the most people get the most sleep..that's the best solution!
    Glad thing are going well for your family! And I LOVE that the dogs are part of the family bed, too. Adorable!

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  8. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this - it's something I've been thinking about. And, I love those photos!

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  9. Haha...GREAT post. And I'm a huge advocate of co-sleeping too. I've slept with my daughter at least part (and often a lot more) of every night since she was born.

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  10. hmmm, I think I will have to have Jud read this post since you addressed his biggest concern about cosleeping: the ahem, mommy daddy together time!?

    Seriously, I think you are so right! And it just warms my heart to think of that sweet little M feeling safe on your chest:)

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  11. i am with this plan, stan. i dig.

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  12. Seems like most people just can't handle it or give it about one night before giving up on it.

    We all slept on floor cusions (we get these from Urban Outfitters) out on the living room floor the first many months home. It was a long time before anybody saw bed or crib. Hmmm, 3 babies, 2 bottles each per night, why would I want to hike around the house all night when a slight movement of the hand was all that was needed in those days because of co-sleeping? It was the best.

    And any time some guy was going through a clingy weird baby/toddler phase, into the bed he would go with us and from the bed it all got worked out. I'd say the next attachment freebie is the sling. I still get it out when things get really bad for one of my upper-30ish pounder three year olds. Ouch. :)

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  13. Thank you thank you thank you thank you Julie! I have posted on this, and the frustration I feel when told by FAMILY members how terrible it is and how we need to "train" Sammy to sleep alone. I don't WANT to train him, he isn't a dog. He needs me/us at night and that's beautiful and wonderful. Would I sleep better if he was in his own bed? I doubt it. I love the feeling of knowing he's right there. we have the pack-n-play (top bassinet position) next to my side of the bed and he generally goes between sleeping in there and in bed and back and forth throughout the night. When he's teething (NOW--molars!) he wants to sleep on top of me and I think it's about the sweetest thing on the planet.
    Sam is very restless at night and I personally think that's when he is experiencing his adoption trauma. He appears to have bad dreams and needs a lot of holding and rocking and cuddling for security. And we are glad, glad, glad to provide it.
    and that moment in the morning, when he touches my face and I open one eye and he's gazing up at me? Worth a thousand sleepless nights.

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  14. Have you read The Napping House by Audrey Wood? It is very fun and your pictures reminded me of it. You could write your own children's book on sleeping with your pictures as illustrations.

    The coziness just kills me ... you all look so snuggly. I am glad it has helped bond with all the family members ... sounds like things are looking up!

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  15. Couldn't agree more. Even with little teeny babies that people might think wouldn't know the difference - believe me, they know. Being right there, every single time they need you in the dark, scary night, is like gold. It gets old after many months, but it's still old gold. Thanks for the pictures. Pure gold.

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  16. I second the comment that i seriously think you use beds as furniture in every room! This was a helpful post. We have a queen bed in a very small room though. I'm not sure how to overcome that. The queen bed already feels too small for just us. Maybe we move to the living room floor? Thoughts?

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  17. I, like your other readers, am distracted by counting exactly how many beds you have in your house. And 2 toddler beds also?
    I sleep in my bed after laying with them to go to sleep, but their bed is 2 feet away and when they talk or cry at night I am THERE. People in the non-adoption world think "what the heck"? But as you said, they have never slept without other people in the room. Eventually they will move to their room.....eventually.

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  18. The second and third pics are from Ethiopia. We just have the one family bed.(:

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  19. Please don't tell Jason that we're supposed to be having sex since we aren't co-sleeping. I'm too tired.

    I love this post and wish I could turn back the clock and I would have made Moe co-sleep with us. At that time, our attachment seemed to be going ridiculously smooth and he was sleeping through the night in his crib within two days of coming home. So we didn't do it. We may get another opportunity with Adoption 2.0 Big Brother.

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  20. love this post, love the co sleeping, cant imagine not doing it.
    now we do both: open toddler bed and our bed. kai seems to enjoy the freedom of choice. we all love the additional snuggling. the kids grow up so, so fast (look at kiana!) why not eat up all the good stuff while you can :)

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  21. good post - and sounds like this is really working well for you, which is awesome.

    and, as someone who tried it but found it was not the right thing, i appreciate your passion for it but you ability to acknowledge that maybe it is not right for everyone.

    i have a hard time with the judgment that some co-sleeper have about those of us who don't. i often get told, for example, that i just didn't stick with it long enough... like anyone even knows how long i tried or what my reasons were for deciding not to.

    anyway, didn't mean to rant...
    it's great for some families and i totally support it!

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  22. The first thing i purchased were toddler beds. Now I'm thinking they just take up space. Although... like yours- my dog thinks it is her sunning spot...

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  23. I totally don't know why it has to be anyone business if co-sleeping happens or not. "Judgemental" guidelines are way over-rated! I love the photos and I love that the children feel safe. And the doggies, too! Thank you for loving these two the way you do.

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  24. Thanks! We're going to be doing this too, so it's great to hear that it's working out so well for you.

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  25. I loved this post! I love the term - laundry crib! We have a laundry sofa. so convenient. We do not co-sleep and i doubt we have sex more than those that do co-sleep. I don't think that co-sleeping is a freebie though. when Q was very little he slept in bed with me Y slept on the couch. then we moved him to a crib next to our bed. He didn't sleep in our bed or in the crib. Finally six months later we moved his crib just outside the door and he slept well - until he moved to a bed 2 years later. Then he would get into our bed everynight - and then I wouldn't sleep because he demanded to have my nose and his nose touching - literally. OK i was down with it - but not just to fall asleep - he kept waking me up to go 'nose to nose' it's funny now. i tell him now and he's in hysterics laughing - not then though!

    we will do the 'family' sleep thing - all mattresses on the floor at the beginning. but just had to come on here with the minority view that it doesn't work for everyone. and i don't know that it's the best way - just one of the ways.

    i felt so guilty when i couldn't sleep during the night and then i was an awful mean mom during the day. so for those out there that are like me...try it - it's worth it - but don't beat yourself up if it doesn't work.

    i would also one day love a husband tally of who likes the family bed. i know they must be out there - but it always seems to be the moms who suggest starting it and the dads who suggest it's time to stop it.

    thanks for a sweet post - and the sweet images of all of you together.

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  26. We co-slept with our bio daughter because of breast feeding. At the beginning of the adoption process my husband said this time there would be no co-sleeping. Well, my daughter has been home a year and a half and she still sleeps in out bed. She had a complex febrile seizure at a year old. If she had not been in bed with us (the shaking woke us) she would have died. She had aspirated and had fluid in her lungs. Co-sleeping is what saved her life. Her neurologist also suggested to keep co-sleeping because otherwise we would likely not know when she had a seizure.

    As far a bonding, you are so right on. I love that you are blogging more. Your blog is by far my favorite. I am so happy for your beautiful family.

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  27. Great post. One year later and sweet baby Abe's crib has yet to be slept in!! :) We assume that we will bunk with new brother in our bed as well. :)

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  28. Great post, it is always wonderful to see what is working for other families. Co-Sleeping, baby wearing, breastfeeding, and other parenting strategies are really easy to be passionate about when you see the benefits in your own family. I didn't find you preachy at all, just thrilled with finding what works for you guys right now. I would add to the other comments that there should NEVER be any guilt if it doesn't work for your marriage, or your kids. It is a way, other ways are great too.
    One alternative that as worked in our house: co sleeping for naps (if you get to be home in the day) but at night having same room, separate beds. I love having kids sleep in my room, but hubs had a hard time when they were in the bed. He (or anyone else) should not feel badly about that.

    One disadvantage is that a good routine can be hard to establish (as I've proved by my attempts) one the one hand, kids are flexible sleepers, they have any number of spots they feel safe and comfy, as long as you are there. On the other hand, a schedule and "you sleep here and don't get up so we can all be sane humans come the a.m." is HARD to do with co sleeping. Long winded wrap up: Basically, this is awesome it's helping your family, and folks who have the toddler beds, don't toss them out, you and your kid might not love it. ;)

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  29. Thanks for this! I've been wondering how to make our bed safe and will definitely be checking out that link. The part about Meazi sleeping on your chest is amazing! Beautiful!

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  30. Completely what we think too. Your family bed looks like ours did for a long time.

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  31. I didn't think we agreed with you on this...until we actually brought Eli home. I definitely changed my thinking on this topic. Eli bonded to us very quickly after we came home, and I attribute that to him co-sleeping with us. I get a lot of crap about it from my non-adoptive friends - but the truth is, you have to do what's best for you. Eli's been in our bed for over 10 months, and I'm just now thinking he's ready to go to his own room. I'm a little apprehensive about it, so we'll see how it goes. I wish he had a sibling to cuddle up with. That would at least make it a little easier on me :)

    PS I loved the comment about the couch. You are funny. And, it's true :)

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  32. We too have a laundry crib in our home. I just didn't have a name for it until now! :)

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