Sigh. Where has the time gone? I am well aware that this blog has become, as Steven said, "A picture blog." Between the broken mac and the lack of time, pictures are all I can muster. Perhaps you'd like the stream of consciousness post? Perhaps not.
Moses is nearing the end of his life. It is clear that we are soon going to have to put him down. Steven is ravaged by severe stomach cramps, which I am pretty sure are caused by this sad truth. I am so grateful that these children got to meet our dogs. The cancer vets predicted they would both die years ago. Their lives have not been as much fun since they have been demoted to dog status. They are not invited to co-sleep, and the daily walk is long gone. So we hug them, and we wait for Moses to tell us when he is ready. He is still eating, and wagging, and rolling in the grass, so we know it is not today. But it will be soon. Steven wants the whole family there when we have the vet come to the house. At first I thought that this was a terrible idea. Now, I am not so sure. What is the alternative? Take the kids to the park, and when they come home say, "Moses has died"? These kids know about death. They have seen it firsthand. It seems unfair to come up with something other than pure honesty in this situation. It seems like they should be there with us. I don't know. I am willing to listen to advice on this one. Anonymous comments are still open, despite the fact that I have to delete about a dozen comments a day from the Japanese bathhouse site.
Meazi graduated from Pre-k. My mom came out for a week. I always feel sad when I take my mom to the airport. She is so great with the kids, and they love her so much. Melsese stayed with her for a half an hour without me. He didn't cry. This is huge.
Meazi continues to amaze me. She is so smart. She has an incredible sense of humor. Everyone loves her. Why then am I filled with anxiety about what kinds of things she'll face in the future? I think most of you know through Facebook about the, "Only blond kids on the slide!" incident at our local park. I think I may have overreacted, and perhaps it wasn't racism, but I am wondering how on earth I will ever protect these children from all or the perils that lie ahead. Is it possible that my childless depression has been replaced by pure anxiety? Not good. Am I the only one who feels this much anxiety about her children?
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You aren't the only one!!! I never knew fear until I had kids. Really. What is there to fear when I am the only one who can get hurt??? But THEM...... oh THEY better NEVER get hurt or I am gonna freak out!!!!
ReplyDeleteYou are a VERY good mommy. Your anxiety is the proof. ;-)
The anxiety is always there.
ReplyDeleteThe other day I was working hard and thinking about things totally unrelated to my children and suddenly I panicked. I was struck hard with the thought that I hadn't thought about them for the time I was working on this thing and when I 'came to' from my work, my immediate thought was a fearful one. Where were they? How were they? A moment of panic till I remembered that they were fine, even if they weren't with me.
Also, I am so so sorry about Moses.
ReplyDeleteI will admit, I think you are right to let the kids be there when Moses goes. It's a tough call but that is what I would do considering all they've been through and already know about death. Lack of information causes fear. Honesty and giving esp Meazi a chance to see a painless, peaceful departure, say goodbye, etc, seems a lot less traumatic than the alternatives.
ReplyDeleteThinking about you. How cool the baby barnacle liked your Momma. Hopefully that half hour was used well. :)
Oh, I'm so so sorry about Moses. I am glad the dogs are doing better than the docs can predict. No, you are not alone in your anxiety over your kids. I still will suddenly freak out wondering if Manny is okay when I am at work or he is at school or other odd times, like the middle of the night. My anxiety, or maybe my realization that I can't control the world, has gotten better over time. I always say I've become accustomed to the pain, but that's my melancholy self.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry about Moses. I think you are right to all be together. I think if you grieve as a family it will be more comforting to all of you and make more sense to the kids. Hard. Ugh. That almost made ME cry. So, so sorry.
ReplyDeleteAnxiety. Um, if you find a cure, let me know!
Elia was 2 feet away from me in her ballet class (they don't let parents in except for the 1st and last class)...she was in a room w/ a closed door and I sat there thinking, "what if she slipped out? what if she's not in there when the class is done? what if she's crying?" ARGH!!! She came out smiling and soooo happy. It is pure madness.
I am so very sorry about moses. I'm already worried about Taidgh entering 7th grade when he just finished 6th grade yesterday. I like to refer it to as the circle jerk of motherly love/angst, it's not for the faint of heart.You clearly are cut out for the job and the circle is lucky to have you.
ReplyDelete(btw surprise technical difficulties! new blog website www.becausetheheartisfulltobursting.blogspot)
i am sorry. i think you should ask meazi if she wants to be there. i think it's ok for them to be there. but it's also ok to ask what moses would want. i am really, really sorry.
ReplyDeleteI agree w/ Rebecca...simply ask Meazi if she wants to be there and if she thinks Melese should be there. I'm sorry ya'll have to do this now.
ReplyDeleteas for anxiety...I have anxiety about EVERYTHING. All these years I was so sure I would know how to parent...turns out I only know how to parent other people's kids. when it comes to my own I second guess almost everything. And that fact that I think I will always 2nd guess myself causes me to have more anxiety! it's a circle.
So, so very sorry about Moses. He really is one of the all time great dogs.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to be the second voice to agree with Rebecca but with a caveat. Asking Meazi what she would like to do seems like a wise choice but having been there myself I think you also need to take into consideration how you and Steven are going to react. Both Joe and I sobbed when we had to put each of our dogs down and it can be extremely frightening and upsetting to a young child to watch parents expressing such strong, difficult emotions. No one knows your children better then you so ask Meazi but also listen to your gut when the time comes. As for endless anxiety and worry (yeah, I'm throwing that in there), I think they're actually listed under the definition for 'parent'.
Wonderful post.
ReplyDeleteI am the queen of over reacting. But seriously, what good mother responds with cold rational thinking. seriously. no, i over react and then i regret but at least my kid knows i care. The blond comment could have been anything. But see, that's the tough thing about being black or a black family, there is deep racism as you know and will be shown again, but there are all the other 'border-line' moments where you're not sure what to do. Did the person mean it? Should I trust them. Frankly, for me, those are worse than the cut and dried stuff.
I am so sorry about Moses. I agree about Letting Meazi be there. I would talk a lot about it though before hand. Yancey and I both sobbed, flat out snot hanging from our noses sobbed when we put our little dog Aloysius to sleep. I think it's good to express true emotion in front of children but if you prepare them "the doc is going to come, the dog will go to sleep, we are all going to cry and hug each other a lot and our tears and our hugs will be what starts our healing...then we'll play music and eat a special cupcake and say something funny and laugh and maybe cry more if we want to."
imagine what our children's life would be like if they felt they could grieve openly and not have to hide anything.
I'm sorry it's happening at this time for you guys. It's terribly sad.
I hadn't really noticed that this had turned into a photo blog until you posted Friday Photo and I thought...hmm, Wordless Wednesday, Snapshot Sunday, now Friday Photo...maybe you would have been better off not mentioning it and ditching the alliteration...
ReplyDeleteI am right there with you on this whole post. I have a post of my own rattling around in my head tentatively titled "Tinker-the-dog is ten years old." I agree with everyone who said the kids should definitely be there - they need a chance to say goodbye, and I think it would be worse if they were kept in the dark until after it happened.
I also worry about all the things that could happen to Elfe in the future because of her race, and feel somewhat at a loss about how to prepare her - and me - for those things.
I'm so sorry to hear about your sweet dog. It must be so hard to know that the time is coming when you must say goodbye, and it is going to be difficult for all of you.
ReplyDeleteAs far as the anxiety with children, I'm finding that it is actually getting worse for me!! I think it is normal to feel it for all parents, but I also think that adoptive parents feel it even more because our kids are already different and unique from many of their peers without even trying.
I am so sorry about Moses, I know how hard it is to lose your furry family:-( Sending you hugs...and no you are not alone, I am an anxious mess about being a mom and all the things in the world that can hurt them. It is tough isn't it? But oh so worth it!
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry about Moses, I know how hard it is to lose your furry family:-( Sending you hugs...and no you are not alone, I am an anxious mess about being a mom and all the things in the world that can hurt them. It is tough isn't it? But oh so worth it!
ReplyDeleteOh so sorry about Moses. That is so hard. :(
ReplyDeleteAnd - I missed the FB discussion about the park, but we had a similar experience (I think) when Micah was little. A mean girl at the park was yelling, "Run away from the brown kid!" incessantly while her parents sat and watched. I was ready to start fighting but my husband talked me down from the ledge. It sucks.
Oh, and I miss you and can't believe how long it's been since I got to see you guys in person.
ReplyDeleteI agree with what Kristine said, all of it (that woman is a deep well of wisdom, which I got to experience face to face over cupcakes). I'm so sorry about Moses. One of my most vivid memories as a kid was my mom sleeping all night over the spot in the bushes where we buried her cat. Seeing my mom grieve like that did something to my psyche, in a healthy, "wow, life is hard" sort of way.
ReplyDeleteJulie its for sure a mom thing... for me at least. They become our "everything" and the thought of any pain being inflicted onto them becomes our worst nightmare.
ReplyDeleteJulie its for sure a mom thing... for me at least. They become our "everything" and the thought of any pain being inflicted onto them becomes our worst nightmare.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was eight, our collie was diagnosed with epilepsy. (I know I was much older than your kids are now, but this is in case the story helps you in any way.) His medications made him listless, drooling, and miserable. My parents chose to tell me that he had been put down after the fact. Now I understand why they did it that way, but at the time, on top of the sadness of losing him, I felt angry. I remember thinking, "If you had told me, I could have given him one more hug." So I do also think at least giving Meazi the option to be there, and asking her about Melese, is a good idea.
ReplyDeleteSo very sorry about Moses! I meant to include that in my previous comment.
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to add that my own response to the loss of our last dog was much more emotional than I expected it to be. Had Manny been there, I think I would have been the complete opposite, you know, composed, helping him....etc. But I think that is the way with grief, you can't just have it all out there in front of kids. I know that my parents reserved their worst grief for private moments.
ReplyDeleteI completely understand what you are saying but there is also a wonderful parenting book called "the blessing of a skinned knee" - i read it and didn't like it that much but the title is pure brilliance. have faith in them!
ReplyDeleteHi Julie. Love reading your blog and glad you can find time to post now and again. I am sorry to hear about Moses. Our dog too is nearing the end of her life but she hasn't told us it's time yet. I was struck by the comment you made about protecting your children. As a mother of 4 myself, I am often struck with terror and anxiety about the thought of protecting them from all the harm in the world. I also also work in the criminal justice profession, so I see a lot of really bad stuff out there! However, I just have to stop often and tell myself that as a mother I will do all I can to protect them, but but my real job as a mother is to equip them to protect themselves. From the looks of your posts, you are doing your job. God bless you.
ReplyDeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteI am sorry to hear about your dog, I know it is a painful time for all. However, I'd have to side with keeping the little ones away from the final moments with the dog. As a young child I also experienced a lot of loss and the experience of being very close by when a beloved pet died is still burned into my memory as another somewhat traumatic event. I think telling them what is happening, will happen is fine- but them being there might be too much. Just sharing my two cents! Thank you so much for sharing your blog, I am at a place where I can't create an account, but I really appreciate your openness about your experiences and it helps me a lot!
Hi Julie,
ReplyDeleteThanks for your very insightful and very real blog.
As for the situation with your beloved pet, I worked for a vet for many years and will say that the death process when putting an animal down is very quick and painless. Regardless of this, it is NOT painless for the owners.
My suggetion to you is to have Moses put down with just you and Steven present and then perhaps have the children view him directly afterward(while he is still warm and rigormortis hasn't set in). This will give you and Steven time to say your goodbyes and gain composure before the children are added to the process.
I do agree with whomever said that seeing your parents upset, is very confusing and upsetting for the child! I know your main focus is on your children! You will do whatever you feel is right for them!
I wish you well, Julie!
A faithful reader from Canada
Oh, I'm so sorry about your sweet canine. I think others are absolutely right that at least having the option of being there is a good idea. I wish this wasn't happening. But given that it is, it might help them (or at least big M) to not have it be a surprise / mystery.
ReplyDelete