Thursday, December 31, 2009

Meazi Suspended-Ugly Cry #9

There have been many things that have set me off during the holidays, things like my sister Kate meeting my children for the first time, things like my brother-in-law Mark meeting my children for the first time. There have been many moving things.


Ugly Cry #9 happened on a morning that started off like many other mornings. Steven was home. We got up. I started to get Melese's breakfast ready. Meazi went into her closet to get dressed. (We continue to let Meazi wear whatever she wants. I think that these are battles that we don't need to fight, as long as she is warm enough).

She came out in her princessa dress-up clothes. She likes to wear them to breakfast sometimes. I had been looking through our huge binder of cds for some Christmas music to play on Christmas Eve and on Christmas Day. We started having a dance party. Steven would pick a cd, then Meazi would pick a cd. I danced with Melese, Steven danced with Meazi. I went to the other room to change Melese and heard Meazi exclaim,"Daddy! I like it! I like that Johhny Clegg!" Steven put on what is definitely the world's gayest music, Erasure. They danced like crazy.

Meazi likes a lot of the music that we have. She is a fan of Van the Man (hence her interest in the saxophone) and Michael Franti. She loves the song Shaking the Tree by Peter Gabriel and Youssou N'Dour. She could do without the Jackson Browne. She loves Beyonce and Gigi. Our dance party continued for some time.

Meazi paged through the binder. She found two cds, one with a big #1 on it, and the other with a big #2 on it. It was this album. The first song Angelika Suspended began. Meazi said, "Huppy," to Steven, which means she'd like to be picked up. He picked her up and they danced. She was still wearing that pink dress-up dress. I was holding Melese and we danced too. Within minutes Meazi was fast asleep on Steven's chest. Steven continued to dance while singing to her softly. Song after song played. This is a beautiful album. They stayed like that for over an hour. Finally Steven moved to the rocker, we played the second cd, and she continued to sleep on him.

I am not sure which part of this made me cry. I was happy just to be able to hold my son and feel his breathing. Maybe it was the violin? Steven and I had actually seen this band in NYC one hundred years ago when we were just dating. I was thinking about that too. I think that what struck me the most was that the last time I had seen Meazi fall asleep on Steven like that was the night we took the kids back to the guest house with us in Ethiopia. Meazi cried and cried that night. Her sobs were the most distressing and heart-wrenching sounds that I had ever heard. Steven just held her for hours. He was stuck in a kind of awkward sitting position on the bed. He just held her tightly as all of that grief, and fear, and loss, came pouring out of her. After hours of crying, she finally fell asleep. He continued to hold her.

This dancing, in our living room, was the first time since then that I have seen him holding her while she slept. It was the dancing, and the breakfast, and the laughter, that made her sleepy this time. Her face was so peaceful, her arms stayed clasped around his shoulders.

I wept happy tears that I was a mother, and that I had children to dance with, these children, and that Meazi loves her daddy, and that Meazi loves Van Morrison, and that Steven and I were still a couple. I wept happy tears that she was fed, and clothed, and healthy. But I was also crying because I know that her story will not change. What has happened to her will not change. She will always be that girl on that uncomfortable bed, in a room not her own, in that guest house, sobbing.

She has changed, but she is the same.

She will always be a girl who has lost everything, and I will always be her mother.

And so I wept.


This is the only version I could find of the song. It is someone's homemade video. I suggest closing your eyes, and just listening to it. The whole album is gorgeous.

28 comments:

  1. Oh good grief. Serious ulgy cry happening over here now. What a beautiful post, Julie. Thank you for sharing so much with us.

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  2. To say what you wrote is moving is a complete understatement. Thank you for letting us peek into your life.

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  3. How about a contest where we guess how many ugly cries you inspire in the rest of us?

    I'm so happy you've all found each other. It's a beautiful, beautiful thing!

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  4. There's something about a princess who dances with her dad that squeezes my heart.

    Happy, happy new year Julie.

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  5. "She has changed, but she is the same."

    I totally get it.

    Love this post Julie-- there is so much emotion wrapped up in the everyday-ness of being a new family. I find it hard to articulate, but you've done it here.

    Love you,
    Tanya

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  6. J- just the fact that you are able to put your head above water and write this post is encouraging to me! Loved it! I cannot reflect at this point, only respond!

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  7. You just made me cry. Happy new year, Julie.

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  8. Thanks for giving us a glimpse into this perfect and private moment.

    100 years ago I owned that album, or maybe an old boyfriend did. About the same time, I saw them in concert here in Chicago. Poi Dog has always moved me in ways other groups don't and I cannot put a moment or person or feeling to that...it just IS.

    I've been having a lot of ugly cry moments lately with Gregg and Sam. I have no frame of reference, so don't know if it would be the same (emotions) w/ a bio, I just know how it is w/ Sammy. His smell, his smile, his sigh in his sleep, the way he lights up when he sees you first thing in the morning, the way he eats pasta, how he splashes in a bath.

    Maybe it's because I'm older? I don't know.

    But I now love the ugly cry. I welcome the not-truly-understood emotions and twisted face and Gregg looking at me like I'm crazy (which, undoubtedly I am.)

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  9. i'd like to know how many ugly cries you have inspired from your blog. i'm not ugly crying from this post. i am feeling quite fulfilled with warm and happy for my beautiful julie friend and her sweet family.
    but this is straight to the heart. oh meazi's heart. i am so happy that her heart has your heart and stephen's heart and melese's heart and all off our hearts.
    she makes me believe in the magic of the universe, in things like fate, and unfathomable wonder. because i cannot imagine a better gift to you both than each other. you both needed and you both wanted. and now you have breakfast next to a true princessa. i can't tell you enough how much i adore you and your family, julie. seriously ... ameazaing!!!

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  10. I always love your posts, but the last two really touched my heart. I love seeing Steven with your kids. He always seems so tender with them, and it melts my heart to see your completed family at last. I can't wait for my husband to have a child to hold because he has so much love in his heart as well.

    Happy (Bestest) New Years (Ever)!!

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  11. Oh gosh.

    Something struck me huge here - Steven's great great capacity for emotion. Deep empathy. Powerful dad, he is.

    Every girl deserves a rock of a father.

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  12. Listened to the song, held back tears, barely.

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  13. I am ugly crying right now as I read this post- it is beautiful!


    Carolyn

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  14. you are all the perfect medicine for each other. beautiful story.

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  15. Ugly cry # who the heck knows by now, all brought on by beautifully touching stories from my blog friends.

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  16. All ugly cried out from extra long ugly cry last night. So today doing the only thing I have left. Little smile. Little smile from your story. Thanks. Amanda

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  17. yup...I, being wayy far away from that magic..reading this, am sharing your tears. so much beauty, so much pain...and grace.

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  18. Ugly crying in Vancouver, BC. Ugly crying because I am so happy you are complete, and ugly crying as we wait what seems like forever for our daughter to be referred from Ethiopia and join us...
    Happy New Year!
    Claire

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  19. You're killing me, friend. Bravissimo on your beautiful family.

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  20. What a beautiful, sad, happy post. All in one. You really said it all here.

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  21. Ugly crying in Texas. And Erasure is totally awesome. And it IS, without a doubt, the gayest music ever. :-)

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  22. oh the weight of it all. you are a wonderful mother, and your husband a wonderful father. happy 2010 to you all. xo

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  23. I clearly need a mix CD from you.

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  24. okay and now you made me weep. Beautiful post Julie.

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  25. I am in NM. It is 2:30 AM. My eyes burn from the hours I have sat here reading about the last yr or so of your life. You make my heart happy. My friend is on a wait list for adoption from Africa. So I think that is how I got here. So many hours have passed that I no longer know or care. Thank you for the fact that I can share in this amazing journey. You Halloween post and this one have made me cry happy tears. The world could use more hearts like yours. Your children are beautiful.You are a beautiful family. I will be back from now on. I am in love with you all.

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