Friday, March 20, 2009

Their House.

In my family when someone dies there is a wake, there is a funeral mass, there is a burial. There is public grieving and remembering. A group of people gather with one person on their minds. There is collective sorrow. There are chairs or pews to hold those who are too sad to stand. There is music. People speak kindly of the deceased. There is ritual.

When Chris died there was none of that.

Yesterday, by putting together this montage, I attended the wake and funeral of my mother-in-law, seven months after her death. I wept for all that has happened, and for all that has not happened.

It is true that grief begets grief. You read about someone dying, a stranger to you, or even a friend or relative of a friend , and suddenly their loss becomes your loss. The death of someone you love comes rising to the surface, and you feel yourself become undone.

Steven and his brother, today on the 20th of March, hand over their childhood home. The house they grew up in will no longer belong to them. It has been sold. There will be new cars in the driveway, there will be a new family living inside. A man and his wife will move in, look around, and feel comfort in owning a new house. They will feel the desert heat. They will open the sliding glass doors and walk out into the yard. They will sit around the hearth on a chilly desert evening and they will consider themselves home.

On our way to Santa Fe last Christmas we stopped at Chris's house. It was a very sad place to be. Steven had someone come in to repair the fireplace. Several men worked for two days repairing it. Yesterday, as I was looking for pictures, I noticed that so much living happened around that fireplace. So much living.

For my husband and for my brother-in-law Mark, I love you, and I share in your grief. This house will always be your home, no matter who lives in it.

Look at the pictures. How could it not?

29 comments:

  1. Oh Julie, I am so sorry for your loss. I thought the other day when you showed the pic of Steven sifting the soil, I wonder how he is doing. Grief is a long process and selling the house is a very difficult step. They built the house themselves? If so, even more difficult. I am glad you are finding your own way to create ritual and I hope it helped. Here's a hug, girl.

    Christine

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  2. Nothing like starting one's morning in tears. Beautiful slideshow. Beautiful family. How can life be so very, very beautiful and so very, very hard at the same time???

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  3. Grieving lasts a lifetime. It comes and goes like the tides. You are right, others loss brings yours back to the shore. Rituals are so important. It is good you have this as one of yours.

    You are in my thoughts.

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  4. OK - now I just watched the slide show.

    This is why I insist Q's birthday parties are at home. He wants it out like most of his other friends but ... home, that is where the living is.

    Thanks for sharing this. An lovely life to celebrate.

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  5. Julie, This montage is so beautiful and moving. It's so touching to see how a place has so much meaning and provides the safety for a family to grow! I still cry when I remember selling my childhood condo in Brazil - it went to finance our adoption!
    Hugs to you and Steven.

    Evelyn

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  6. Somehow the La la, la la la la just sounded so sad. Beautiful tribute, home and family.

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  7. What a great montage. We had to go through a similar process 5 yrs ago, it's so hard to let go of house with so many memories. My husband still finds it hard to just drive by "Their house"

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  8. Julie,

    Huge hugs to you and Steven. What a beautiful montage that does a great job in painting the picture of a loving family. Some of the pictures remind me of the life you and Steven have (the picture of Steven and Mark in bed with the dog and more). My hope is that your children are home soon and you can create more family memories and somehow the pain you, Steven and Mark feel will be lessened. Yet, as I write this, I can only imagine additional pain in wishing Chris could be here to share the joy with you. Many hugs and love to all of you.

    Deb

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  9. Gorgeous montage. I'm sorry for the loss.

    Cindy

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  10. Gosh. What a day. What a heavy day. What a beautiful and tangible way to share it, your montage.

    Today is also the first day of Spring. As I, in my slightly pagan way, think about what today means for the earth, I'll also think of Steven and Mark and hope for some renewal for them.

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  11. Julie, thank you. Today I am grieving the loss of my mom. Some days it just hits because of a memory, a word, a daydream, a little kick that makes my missing of her bite, big time. This post really brought some community to my grieving today - and I need that. I was my mom's caregive while she lived with her cancer and died with her cancer, for 6 months. And then I had to dismantle her amazing home. And now I watch my sister, who holds me at arm's length and doesn't allow me to speak about mom's cancer as she cares for her son, or the fact that I, too, cared for someone through radiation...I could go on and on....sometimes I just feel lonely in my grief. Enough said. I bet you get it. Thanks for getting it. Now I get to go and have my cathartic cry. I wish she had met LeLe - she would have made him the best breakfasts EVER!

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  12. This is the fourth time I've tried to read this through and comment. I still haven't made it through the pictures.
    I'm so sorry.
    Jen

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  13. I am so sorry for You, Steven and Mark. It is so difficult to let go of the place that holds so many dear memories. The montage is beautiful and also reminds me of my childhood. Big hugs to all of you- and thank you for sharing this.

    Charlotte

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  14. I love your tribute - such sweet memories. My thoughts are with your family.

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  15. Julie - what a beautiful tribute to your MIL.

    It sounds trite, but in a way I think those who grieve deeply are the most blessed - they are those who love deeply and really FEEL their feelings and LIVE their lives.

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  16. Such a beautiful tribute to home and family. It's so very hard having to let go of the things that represent the love and security of your childhood - especially when the letting go is necessitated because of loss. Keeping you and Steven both in my thoughts.

    Thank you Julie for your kind words today. They meant a lot.

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  17. How beautiful, Julie. Extra big hugs today for you and Steven.

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  18. That's such a sweet montage Julie. I'm so sorry about your mother in law. :(

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  19. You beautifully honor your husband by loving him so well, and by helping him grieve. We all need help, to grieve. You are such a gift to him... I'm in awe.

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  20. A beautiful post with beautiful pics written by a beautiful woman. You are good.

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  21. Ugh. Losing a parent is so hard. I loved the photos though. The dogs - it's like your house! The shaving photos are fantastic! They tell you that the photographer knew how special certain moments were. The yamikas on the one hand and the Christmas tree on the other. . .
    Looks like Steven and his brother had a wonderful childhood! Your kids will be too.
    I liked what Habeshachild said. I am sorry for Steven's loss and your loss. - Julie O

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  22. I have no words. Just know I'm sending love....

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  23. That hit the spot for me...I have been grieving so much this month. My father passed away last February and we sold the family home (which my grandparents had built and lived in before we did) last March. Grieving certainly does last a long time and goes through many transformations. My thoughts are with you and your husband.

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  24. Oh, how beautiful, Julie! I would want someone like you to help me through the tough days - Steven and Mark are blessed to have you in their lives.

    Hugs and healing thoughts to all of you.

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  25. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know how a house holds so many powerful memories and how painful it can be to let go of your childhood home. Beautiful slideshow!

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  26. This is a beautiful tribute, Julie.

    In a home filled with dogs & cats, and kids, I know there was also much joy & love, which you will build again with your kids, in your home.

    ~Alex

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  27. i have no words. the letting go of all tangible things is unspeakably hard. but the memories are what matter most.

    peace and love to you and steven and his family.

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  28. Grieving is so hard, especially when you are mourning the loss of a life that, at least from these pictures, looks to have been such a lovely one.

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