Monday, August 13, 2012

Regrets-New Column

Recently I checked a online community board that I follow. This site is great for pediatrician recommendations, ideas for fun things to do with your kiddos, information about schools, and all sorts of other good stuff. I read a post from a woman there asking about the best fertility doctors in town. This is what I wanted to post in response:

Dear Infertility Patient

Disclaimer: I know plenty of folks took this route and ended up with a family. I ended up broke and broken- financially, emotionally, physically, and mentally. I got cancer (yes, I believe it was related-I was artificially manipulating my body to grow things that weren't already there). In no way am I judging you if this is your way to family.

 I just really wish I had started with adoption.


  1. I strongly agree with you-- but she probably won't be able to hear you. If someone had said that to me when I was at that stage in my life I would not have heard the words. I think we all have to get where we get to on our own time frame.

    I went through some crazy #@$% on the road to my DD that made me question everything I thought I knew about myself, my DH, my friends and my priorities, but I know, for me, the time frame had to unfold the way it did. Every unbearable second at a time.

  2. your article really bothered me and made me not like you. is that the way it was supposed to make me feel? could it be for telling the truth (you didn't frame it as 'a truth' but 'the truth') or for you being self-righteous, presumptuous, and judgmental. i dont know but it wasn't nice to read. and then i see this and see that you think it caused your cancer. that's also just ill-informed. i've done ALL the reading. maybe cancer caused your infertility. either way, i hope you'e healthy and happy but don't spread your misery and doubt on those of us that are hopeful and having their own journey through life. it's not cool. and if you were trying to be helpful which i assume you were, it's not helpful either.

    1. I am happy to talk to you more about this, but I would need your name and an e-mail address.

    2. "made me not like you" ??? really anonymous? is this third grade or is this a piece written by someone who went through the horror of infertility (anyone who goes through it knows how hard it is) and wishes she could save others from the pain but knows it's an impossible thing to hope because people like you cannot or will not imagine a path to parenting other than the one on which you are currently fixated. WHICH IS OK. It is life. Everyone has to to find their way. I hope you find peace, it sounds like you are far from it...

  3. You are a brave and beautiful person and writer.

  4. That was beautiful and powerful. Keep on telling your story.

  5. well written. i agree with casa bicicleta that many times it is the journey that unfortunately we must all take to appreciate what we have and how we ended up so lucky. seems like a waste of time, energy and emotion but what would life be if we could always see it in hindsight.

  6. Julie, I absolutely agree with your sentiments.

    My husband and I have had an unusual experience in that we adopted older Ethiopian siblings first and then had a biological child. I love all three children, but there's a fierceness to my love of my Ethiopian children that has felt...lacking or diminished for the bio kiddo. He's so privileged to have been born here, to have been able to stay with his biological parents, to have the oh-so-valued combination of blond hair and blue eyes... I feel like life will be so easy for him.

    Julie's point - I think - was that parenthood doesn't require pregnancy and that it is remarkably rewarding and challenging no matter how we get there.

    It was pretty clear.

    Sarah C in Raleigh, NC

  7. I really loved your piece. And I have a family member whose doctor was straight up about the cancer risk when she went through IVF, and she now goes in for routine checks every three months. Perhaps the first Anonymous' doctor was more interested in her dollars than being completely honest with her about health risks.

    Your family is beautiful; I am glad that you came to adoption at the time that you did, to have the children that you now have.

  8. this made me like you more.
    as always.

  9. I read the piece and I understand that you are trying to be helpful but I don't understand what's wrong with wanting your own child?
    We are looking into adoption, but I really want my own child one that I gave birth to. I understand some people say there is no difference but honestly what are they supposed to say after they have adopted?
    I'm happy for you that you have found fulfillment/happiness in adopting. I'm not judging anyone's choices, I know the risks and still think its worth it. Negativity and scary stories aren't helpful, I know it's your truth but it's not everyone's story.

    1. Annon-
      Why is Julie's story negative and scary to YOU? It's her story! She has the right to tel it; anyway she likes. It's not about YOU! I've been reading her blog for years and she has never said "don't have your own child" but what she did is become an advocate for safe, secure, ethical adoption. If you don't want to adopt; that's fine. If you want to have a child; that's fine also. Please don't come to the adoption community and assume you know OUR stories because you don't. We have all walked a different path but we are stead fast in our belief that families are made with purpose, love, and adoption. If you want a sugar-coated blog then you need to look else where. We tell and keep it real. Life is what you make it. If you cant handle Julie's story then you may not be able to handle an Adoption journey. It's not sunshine and blue skies; some days it's actually very shitty.

      Enjoy your day; stay positive, keep the faith and smile!

  10. Julie-

    Love your story as always!

    Sen :)

  11. I applaud you tremendously for your honesty. My hero is an infertility doctor that was honest and said what I needed to hear.... "that if I were to get pregnant I would be in a very high risk category and it is a challenge he was not willing to take on....for my sake." we had not gone too far down the MRI, the dye test, three IUIs and two miscarriages. Finally. The truth. He looked at me, expecting me to break down. I did not. He wrote a letter to verify my infertility and we began the adoption process.

    We went through an agency that offers full service only to those with documented infertility. We attended an orientation with 7 other couples and on Fri night we were all in a circle telling our stories. People who had spent tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars on infertility treatments.....and trying to consider the financial implications of adoption.

    My husband and I decided that given the odds of a successful pregnancy vs the odds an adoption ....that the logical choice was to go with adoption. We asked we wish to simply reproduce or was our goal to have a child or children in our lives. Our goal was to have children in our lives. We had a set amount of money we were willing to spend and decided that adoption had the better odds.

    4 months after orientation we welcomed a 4 year old boy and his two year sister into our homes. Our lives have never been richer an we have grown SO much as a family.

    The other couples in our group all had infants placed with them within a year. We remain a close knit group an have encouraged each other an shared the ups and downs of the process as a very supportive group. All of adoptions are open and we have full medical history. I even have baby books and albums of both Victor and Julie it has been a truly amazing journey!!!!!

    Adoption is not for all. But I encourage those who can truly tell themselves that it is not about giving birth or having a genetically related child......get off of that roller coaster. It is not easy.....but SO worth it!!!!!!!

    For those who continue the medical route ....I pray that Gid will bless you with your hearts true desire.