Friday, November 30, 2007

Friday Friend or Family Feature...

Let me preface this by saying that I believe in adoption in all forms. I believe that the way that you adopt is a very personal decision based on your own individual strengths and weaknesses. The life that you have led up to the point of your adoption may very well determine which route you will take to find your children. I will hopefully be able to explain, over the next few months, how we came to our decision.

Originally we decided to be foster-to-adopt parents. We thought it would be a win/win situation. We would be giving needy kids a safe and loving home, and we would finally have the family that we always wanted. We signed up at a local agency and were thrilled that the agency was right in our neighborhood. We thought it would be an added bonus if we could serve our community as well (most of the kids came from just a few miles away). We attended thirty hours of training classes. These classes were amazing and are why I have chosen:

Jody, Fariba, and Patty

for today's feature. I am sure that they will not read this, and I don't have their pictures, but please take my word for it, these three women are beautiful inside and out. They work tirelessly as foster adoption social workers. Social workers on the whole, like teachers, are underpaid and under appreciated. They devote their lives to helping others and to creating positive changes in society.
These three women took us through an intense Modern Approach to Parenting curriculum that was definitely not for the faint of heart. The classes involved among other things, role-playing (imagine Steven's initial horror of having to "act" in front of a room full of people.) These role plays were invaluable. They taught us to put ourselves in the position of the people who lose their children to the DCFS. They presented a "falling down" kind of scenario where someone's really bad day just keeps getting worse and worse. These exercises helped us to empathize with the birth parents who, up until that point, had been pariahs in our minds.
Many of the classes were devoted to understanding the losses associated with adoption. This training has prepared us, a little bit, to deal with some of the ramifications of international adoption. Many of the classes dealt with trans racial parenting (98% of the kids in foster care are children of color.) We feel better equipped to deal with some of these issues because of these women.
We were good foster-adoptive parent candidates. I could stay at home and take these kids to the required birth parent visits (some at their center, some at rehab centers or even prisons). We could provide stability and love. Steven could have provided some great meals. We both could have taught them to trust adults again. Moses could have kissed their sad faces for hours on end. Teddy could have put his big Galoot chin on their shoulders and reassured them that they were in a safe place.We could have helped.

In the end, we just weren't strong enough.

We were terrified that we would receive our sibling placement, fall in love with our new kids only to have them returned to their parents. This sounded a lot like our experiences over the last five years (The joy of pregnancy followed by the despair of pregnancy failure.) Also, the foster-to-adopt system makes you bank on some one else's failure, (basically if the birth mom can't get her act together then the kids will remain yours). We didn't feel comfortable rooting for someone else's failure, ESPECIALLY the failure of our future children's birth parents. This idea rubbed us the wrong way. In addition to that, we felt completely unprepared to parent a baby born addicted to/or withdrawing from drugs. The majority of these children (we requested an infant,) would fall into this category.
In our case, we decided that we just couldn't handle the foster-to adopt route. This must be particularly disappointing to these social workers who spent those two months with us last year. We were the only couple in the class (they do these classes all year long) and there were only three other people in our group. I am sure though, that they have continued on with their work. They are recruiting and training those strong, resilient souls who will unselfishly parent these sweet children who need them. I am sorry we couldn't do it. Maybe someday down the line, when we have our family and are reassured that they won't be leaving, we will have gathered enough strength to take in a foster child. Right now we cannot. Thank you for teaching us some important lessons. Thank you for opening our eyes. Thank you for revealing to us our weaknesses, our prejudices and our strengths. Thank you for helping parents and children in the foster care system. Thank you for understanding that we want to parent children from Africa. Thank you for the training that will help us to parent in a more loving and enlightened way.

Steven requested that I mention his favorite part of the class. While I was on a short break from class, Jody asked him if he thought that I would be willing to participate in an exercise called, "The Annoying Habit." She needed a couple, and we were the only one. He said that of course I would do it. We had to stand, back to back, in the front of the room, while the rest of the class asked Steven to describe a really annoying habit that I have. Now you would think that it would take HOURS for Steven to come up with something annoying that I do, but surprisingly he was able to come up with a plethora of examples in mere seconds. So, there we are back to back, and Steven begins to tell everyone how I always nag at him to eat breakfast. He, apparently finds this annoying. (I think it is loving. I don't want him to get low blood sugar.) That morning I had bugged him about it, and insisted that he carry a banana to foster-parenting class.( I guess in retrospect he could have come up with something a lot more embarrassing or incriminating.) Anyway, as the class and the social workers berated him about this saying things like ,"How can you put up with that?" "How long has she forced you to eat breakfast? " "That is terrible, why does she do that?" You could see that Steven was getting visibly agitated. I could feel the heat coming off of him. He began to defend me. "Well she just wants me to be healthy," "She does it because she loves me," "She has other really good qualities." This exercise was amazing. It illustrated to us how foster kids who have been abused and removed from their parents will ALWAYS defend them. They are their parents. If they beat them, burned them, or stuffed them in a closet, these kids will defend them. Heady, emotional, interesting stuff.

We finished, Steven ate his banana, and we looked at each other lovingly. I was proud of him for defending me and he, I think, was relieved that my habit wasn't something much more annoying..



Steven with morning blueberry muffin. (I have heard that it is the most important meal of the day.)

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Sweet Video...

This is from Australia's "60 Minutes". It is a little sentimental, (hokey piano music), but Skinny and his big Sis are hard to resist. It has a heart-breaking turn at the end that illustrates one of the issues of adopting from Ethiopia that is keeping me up at night.

It is about 10 minutes long, and has a short ad at the beginning. If you do watch it, please comment and let me know what you think.

http://video.msn.com/?mkt=en-AU&brand=ninemsn&vid=c8f0ec3b-4e42-45e5-8995-2ccf7969081d

Friday, November 23, 2007

Friday Friend or Family Feature...

Today's feature should illustrate how far reaching our support network extends. For those of you who are saying, " I can't believe she picked her pharmacists before me," just know that these are done in random order and not in order of importance.


For some people, like these two...




I am going to need a lot more time to formulate my gratefulness. I am not sure that there is enough room in cyberspace to say what I want to say about my parents, or my sister, or the other people I talk to constantly (you know who you are.)

But for right now, proving that the smallest kindness can make a huge difference, I would like to talk about Davya, and Hilary.



The phrase, "I have a great relationship with my pharmacists," might sound like some drug addict's euphemism, but I really do have a great relationship with my pharmacists. They have been extremely kind and supportive to me over the years. In a time where customer service has become a thing a the past, these two bring a small town feel to the big bad city.



Davya and Hilary have seen me go through some tough times. Whether it was filling an order of Zofran to help nausea caused by cancer treatment, or blood thinners to try to keep an early pregnancy from failing, these two women have been right there with me through some major ups and downs.

With a line full of impatient, ailing, cranky Angelenos behind me, they always find a way to make me feel like I am the only person in the room. Their kind words and non-judgemental encouragement, have helped me pick up the pieces on more than one occasion.

I can call and say, "Hey it's Julie," and they already know what I need and can take care of it in an instant.

So I want to say thank you to the two of you. You have gone out of your way to help me, and I am extremely grateful.


P.S. Please remember the nice things I said about you next year when I hit you up for orphanage donations like the ones below!

Eye drops
Anti fungal for oral thrush
Benadryl for allergic reaction
De-worming agents taken orally
Oral Suspension Ibuprofen
Antiseptic and Pain reliever
Savlon Antiseptic
Benzalkonium Chloride towelette Antiseptic
Instant Hand sanitizer
Burn cream
Poison Ivy Cleanser
Povidone Iodine USP Prep Pad
Plasil drop
Infants Mylicon
Gloves
Digital thermometer
Bandage (roll)
Sterile dressing gauze (packed)
Cold compress (Hot compress).. Pack which is reusable
Cough syrups
Eye drops
Anti fungal for oral thrush
Benadryl for allergic reaction
De-worming agents taken orally
Oral Suspension Ibuprofen
Antiseptic and Pain reliever
Savlon Antiseptic
Benzalkonium Chloride towelette Antiseptic
Instant Hand sanitizer
Burn cream
Poison Ivy Cleanser
Povidone Iodine USP Prep Pad
Plasil drop
Infants Mylicon
Gloves
Digital thermometer
Bandage (roll)
Sterile dressing gauze (packed)
Cold compress (Hot compress).. Pack which is reusable
Cough syrups
Gas Relief
Hyopan (Hyosine Syrup)
Hyosine tablets
Cloxacillin 125 mg/5ml syrup
Cloxacillin 250 mg/5ml syrup

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Would you place children with these people...


Are doggy dance parties a red flag for social workers?

Let's hope not.

You can tell by this next picture that, although bizarre, doggy dance parties are impossible to resist.





In the end, you just have to put on your lei, crank up the music, and get down with your fine self.
(Apologies to Kate's friend Jeff.)


Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Fun, albeit, addictive link....

Feels like taking the SAT, but for a good cause.
http://freerice.com/index.php


(Notice my use of the word albeit. Not too shabby.)

Monday, November 19, 2007

I Love LA...

Something that you have never heard me say before.

Why the sudden admiration after eleven years of loathing ?
It seems that living in a diverse, urban environment has its advantages.



This is a picture taken outside an Ethiopian restaurant, very near our house. This past Saturday we had the privilege of joining two other families who have, or are in the process of, adopting siblings from Ethiopia. It was wonderful to meet these folks. I would go on and on about them, but feel that I should respect their privacy. Let's just say that it is going to be a lot easier to raise our children here in metropolitan Los Angeles, than it would be in the place we almost moved to...

Rio_en_Medio

We are trudging through the paper work. We like to do it with a glass of wine and some visual inspirations. (That last sentence could apply to something much more titillating, but alas not in this case.)



Also, we told our neighbors and they were very excited for us. Serendipitously they were upgrading their eleven year old daughter's bedroom furniture and brought over a lovely changing table/dresser that they no longer needed. We officially have "baby stuff" in our house.



Friday, November 16, 2007

Friday Friend or Family Feature...

My brother-in-law made a very eloquent speech at our wedding. It was about relying on one another for strength during difficult times. He asked us to survey the room and to notice all the support we had if we needed it. (He said it in a much more eloquent way than that, and I would give you a link to the speech if I were more computer savvy but..) The point is that we have needed it, the support and strength I mean, and we have received it in a myriad of different ways over the years.

Every Friday I would like to feature a friend or family member that has helped us over the years. Our lives are intertwined and I believe our adoption will affect many of these people in various ways. So, without further ado, the first person I would like to "speak" about is my mother-in law Chris.



This is a picture of my mother-in-law holding my husband. I guess that Chris came to mind first because I feel that, next to Steven and me, she is the one for whom this adoption may have the most impact. That, combined with the fact that she is coming here next Tuesday for Thanksgiving, has got me thinking about her.

Chris is not yet a grandmother. This has always brought me sadness. A few Thanksgivings ago, Chris came to celebrate with us. I was drinking sparkling apple cider for our Champagne Thanksgiving toast. I was pregnant. It was glorious. The three of us were giddy with excitement and joy. She had brought me a strange and wonderful gift, Melisana Klosterfrau Melissengeist Carmelite Water, supposedly great for morning sickness. She was going to be a grandma, we were going to be parents. We thought, "This is our last child-free Thanksgiving!" Well it wasn't.




Chris is no stranger to loss. She lost her husband, George in November of 1991. She has persevered, creating a rich life for herself in spite of losing her soul mate. She has raised two of the most incredible men that I have ever met.


I can't wait to see her teaching my new kids about the wonders of a library or the intricacies of a maple leaf. I look forward to the day when she shows these new grand kids her miniature horses, her cats and her dogs. I can't wait to see my kids show her a traditional Ethiopian coffee ceremony. (She is the only person I know who drinks more coffee than I do). I want to be a fly on the wall when she brags to her friends about her grand kids and all the funny things they do, or even hear her say, "My daughter-in-law is in way over her head." I cant wait.




So Chris, sorry about that sucky Thanksgiving in 2003. I am hopeful that this one will be better, and I am going to go out on a limb here and say, "This may very well be our last child/grandchild free Thanksgiving". (If not this one, then definitely the next one.)


Sunday, November 11, 2007

Join us on our journey...





Steven and I have officially decided to pursue our Ethiopian adoption. I am extremely excited. I've spoken with our social worker, and we have begun the initial application process. It will be a long, difficult, and expensive process. We are asking for siblings between 0-3.

This is not a decision that we rushed into. As many of you know, we have been trying to build our family for many years. Transracial, international adoption is a complex issue. I hope by creating this blog I will educate myself, as well as others.

This picture was taken last summer in the ballroom where our wedding reception was eight years ago. It is high time we had a bigger family. Hopefully our children will be better dancers.