Sunday, June 22, 2008

Measuring a Week Behind...


I feel exactly the same way I did a couple of years ago. Steven and I had gone for an ultrasound. We had a heartbeat on the monitor. The embryo, however, was, "Measuring a week behind," and, " Could go either way." The level of anxiety was terrible. At the end of the week we learned,"There is no longer a heartbeat."

I feel like our adoption could go either way. Is there even such a thing as a failed International adoption? Seems quite rare. But then again, Steven and I fall into that rare category a lot. Is the universe hitting me on the head and I am not paying attention? As we move our adoption money into our monthly bills account, as Steven's caretaking weariness begins to chip away at his soul, I feel things falling apart.

I am afraid that the only Ethiopian children we will know will be those of our friends. I feel like I will be that one woman, "Out of the twelve women trying, nine eventually got pregnant, two adopted and one chose to remain childfree." Only I am not choosing. My circumstances may be deciding for me. Has it really taken me almost ten years to figure out that the universe does not want me to be a parent? I am an idiot.

14 comments:

  1. Somewhere about 9 months into the wait, I started talking about wolves, telling my mother and sisters about members of wolf packs who do not reproduce so that they can protect and help raise the pups of the alpha members of the pack, and thereby ensure the greatest liklihood that at least one or two members of the new generation will survive.

    I tried to convince myself that I was that there were already lots of children in my life, and I could devote myself to them, and that would be enough for me, and best for everyone.

    It was very obvious to me that Ethiopian international adoption would imminently shut down, and/or I would not be allowed to adopt for some other reason. I said, out loud, to others, that it was pretty obvious that I was not meant to be a mother, and it was about time I opened my eyes to all the signs. Just how many times do you get assigned to different little tiny percentage pools before you wake up and figure out that somebody is trying to tell you something? I hear you.

    So I figured it would never happen. And it hasn't yet, so I should just shut up.

    BUT I didn't take any action on the omega wolf plan, and I just kept waiting and waiting. And I was very sad, alot.

    And I was not being subjected to the trauma that you are dealing with now - and I can't even imagine the depth and intensity of your sorrow. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

    I imagine that you must be re-living lots of horrible experiences lately, and I imagine that it would be totally re-traumatizizing to even the strongest, healthiest, happiest, most optimistic person in the world - which you might be - I don't know. But you sure do have every right to be feeling exactly how you are feeling.

    Not that I have any authority by which to tell you your rights. I guess I am just trying to say that, to me, it seems very natural and normal and right for you to feel this way. I don't know how you could feel any other way.

    But I really do beleive that you will have children, and you will feel happiness and hope as deep as your sadness and despair, just the exact opposite.

    Sorry about the book.

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  2. screw the universe.

    you deserve happiness, and only you and steven can define what that entails.

    i'm sorry things are so overwhelming right now. frankly i'm sick of bad things happening to good people, and i'm ready to take on the universe on your behalf.

    just say the word! I'll lace up my boots...

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  3. I'm sorry for your pain right now. Wish I could say something...I know this sounds inane and unfounded, but I'm optimistic for the both of us about expanding our families. But, I also know your going through much more than that right now. I'm lightening my candle again for you & your family and saying a small prayer.

    Cindy

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  4. There is no doubt that you will be a mother-- your children will come into their home with parents who have an amazing capacity to nurture & love-- who know exactly what it means to experience hardship & loss. Keep fighting & the rest of us will be fighting for you too.

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  5. You are going to be such a great mommy. Empathy and compassion so needed and in sort supply in this hard, cruel world, and your children are going to be so fortunate to have parents who excel in these areas. I'm pulling for you guys!!

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  6. Hang in there. You are going to be a great mother!

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  7. Katy was so eloquent, all I can say is hang on! I really believe all of us waiting for siblings will see their sweet faces one day. Out of their pain and our pain, beauty and family will grow! I wish you guys didn't have the extra pain to carry right now. My heart hurts for you.

    I feel like all of us waiting for young siblings are in a chain, holding hands ... some in front, some in back. We are all faltering at different times, but there is always someone on the chain that is standing, hoping. I am sure you have been that person in the line the times I have felt little hope. Today, I have hope for you and for me and any others in our little line... hang on... they ARE coming...

    You sound like an amazing and caring person ... what a mom you will be!

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  8. Please don't give up hope! This will happen for you. You ARE going to be a mother. You're going to be a fantastic mother. *hugs*

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  9. Reading your posts for only a few months and from the other side of the country, I can tell clear as day that you'll make a fabulous mother. I'll meet you half way and agree that the world has dumped an incredible amount of crap in your lap... but keep on keepin' on. Who better to parent a child who has experienced the greatest of all losses than a person who has been touched by loss herself?

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  10. Oh, Julie, I can only imagine what you are going through right now. Your words convey such depth to your sorrow. We are thinking of you over here, sending messages to the Universe on your behalf- some serious mojo coming your way.

    YOU, most definately, will be an excellent mother. I think you already are, it is in your heart, it is so apparent. Don't give up on Motherhood... Hang in there, we are pulling for you all.

    Blessings to you. Sara

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  11. Ugh. What a crappy place you are in right now. I am so sorry.

    But, I would agree with the others that you might not want to conclude that the message from the universe is a negative one about you becoming a parent. Perhaps you are being tested? Who knows...

    It sure seems to me like you are meant to be one.

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  12. It WILL happen. Really it will.

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  13. Oh Jules, as I have always said, you WILL be parents. I have no doubt in that. There is no way that there is a message in all of the bad things that are happening/have happened to you. And, if there is, the message is that you need to be parents to counterbalance all of the sadness with some indescribable joy. Sending you many many hugs.

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