I must be the very last person in America to read the book
Nurture Shock. Reading the chapter on siblings yesterday, I found myself putting the book down and crying for a full ten minutes. Something struck me as I read it.
Meazi and Melese don't have the kind of sibling relationship that is described in this book. Yes they bicker sometimes, and sometimes they drive each other crazy. Most of the time though, they work it out. They play games together. They imagine themselves travelers, and with real suitcases as props they board our green couch (a stand-in for a 747), to travel to exotic lands like Milwaukee and Santa Fe. They zoom around out back on their bikes and plasma cars, stopping for pretend gas at their toy gas station. They each grab a baby doll and get busy dressing, feeding, and setting up a computer for their 'kids'. They dress up as princesses and turtles. She reads to him. They choose matching pajamas. They sleep through the night soundly, only when parts of themselves are touching each other; a hand on a wrist, a foot on a foot. They look out for one another. He worships the ground she walks on. He'll shout, "Momma! It's time to go and pick up my Guuuuurllllll!" whenever my carpool alarm goes off. His eyes brighten when he sees her. His shoulders soften when she is finally within arm's reach.
The chapter on siblings in Nurture Shock describes some brothers and sisters who won't stop fighting, and who are not at all kind to one another.
From the book:
Scottish researcher Dr. Samantha Punch found similar results in her interviews of ninety children. She determined that kids don't have an incentive to act nicely to their siblings, compared to friends, because the siblings will be there tomorrow, no matter what.
This above quote is what made me cry. I realized that this isn't a given for Meazi and Melese. At least it hasn't been a given in their past. What makes them think that they won't be separated like they were separated from their other siblings?
I believe that, subconsciously, this has something to do with why they treat each other so beautifully.
This revelation made me weep.
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I'm reading it right now but I'm not at the sibling chapter yet. Our kids do fight, but we spend a lot of time to make them work it out. And they do, and they play together in very complicated games for long stretches.
ReplyDeleteMy siblings and I are close, in part, I think, due to the upheaval we had in our young lives as our parents separated and then fought over us and divorced. There are things that only my brother and sister understand. In the face of trauma, it's a priceless thing.
Awww, that is so sweet, and so sad. That revelation almost makes me cry, too. It just may be part of the reason they are so close, and that is OK. On the other hand, my first 2 by birth (12 year old girl and 8 year old boy) also have a sweet, loving, adoring sibling relationship. They still talk and cuddle and share secrets at night as they fall asleep, and watch out for each other, and get along very, very well. The little adopted 5 year old fireball, on the other hand, is another story. A lot of it must just be kid-personality, too, huh?
ReplyDeleteYou are such an insightful mother. This is quite a realization, and so true.
ReplyDeletewow... that really made me think. I'm always amazed at the loving, nurturing relationship between our kids (bio sibs, adopted at 5 years, and 15 months, from Ethiopia) I always thought it was because their natures complement each other so well, and because for a while, they were each other's family. Maybe for my son (the 5 year old), he knows this is the sister he has left. And he knows to hold on to her... Oh, again, how can they bear such sadness?
ReplyDeleteThanks...
wow- this really made me think. I've been amazed at the loving, nurturing, joyful relationship between my kids (adopted from Ethiopia at 5 years, and 15 months) This has added another level to my thinking about it... certainly my son (the older one), knows very well this is only the sister he has left... and for her, he was the first family she ever really knew (his name was her first word). Oh, again, how can they bear such sadness? Thank you...
ReplyDeleteOh siblings. I love this post. I have yet to read that book but I 'm sure I would have had the same reaction... Adopting siblings is the hardest thing, still, at 6 months home, but I cannot imagine it any other way.
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteTheir bond is magical to witness. I feel lucky to have seen it in person--and wish had I known what I know now, would have pushed to adopt siblings.
ReplyDeleteoh, this is terribly poignant. My two have an incredibly volatile relationship - honestly the most naturally volatile sibling relationship I've ever witnessed. Lots of days they don't like each other at all, which breaks my heart. But then... they've always been together, even when they lost everything else.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I loved loved LOVED that book. I keep meaning to blog about the chapter on praise - and the chapter on race was also incredible. Such a great book!
I love your mama intuition. It sounds so dead on right.
ReplyDeleteholy moly. i am glad i am not the only person who cries while reading books like this. to normal folk it isn't a tear jerker... this was a fabulous book indeed.
ReplyDeleteI haven't read the book yet, but it's on my list to read. We have 3 bio kids 16,14 and 10 and our newest 5 1/2 year old son from ET. Our 3 oldest have never fought. They are loving, kind, respectful and always have been. Our youngest has had a difficult time transitioning for many reasons ... most related to trauma. All that to say, I just never assumed that my kids would fight. Encouraged them to be each others' best friends. And never put them in authority over each other. Wonderful that your children are so close. They may just be well suited to each other and feel loved and safe.
ReplyDeleteI love this. My kids get along really well too. I've tried to come up with all different reasons why it is that way but the reality is everyday I'm just thankful. That book is on my library list. Even more excited to read it now. Thanks for this.
ReplyDeleteHoly "Melahzi". Such beautiful, complex little people. I love that book too.
ReplyDeleteI love reading your blog. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful - the relationship between your children and your writing.
ReplyDeleteWow, so profound. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI have a hair question for you. Does their hair get matted when it's not combed? Do you get negative feedback from the black community for their hairstyles? I think they look adorable, but just wondering, as someone who is on the journey to adopt transracially.
Hey Maddy,
DeleteMelese's gets matted sometimes. They sleep with silk sleep caps, but sometimes they slip off. We don't get negative feedback about their styles, but we do get some advice particularly on the day right before 'hair day'. I tend to put Melese's hair in a ponytail on that 'eve' to prevent random strangers offering to buy me hair products at Target(actually happened!)
Wow, I may need to pick up that book. I just wrote a post yesterday on how ridiculously well Ash and Leni get on...though Leni doesn't have any reason to question his permanence I wonder if his tolerance (constant love and affection) of her has something to do with his story. You're right, weepy...
ReplyDeleteWhat a great insight! What a blessing for them also. I have an unusually close relationship to my brothers, but it certainly was not that way when we were kids.
ReplyDelete