Friday, November 5, 2010

Just Julie

I recently had the opportunity to speak to a woman that I like very much. She told me that if my blog was any indication of how our attachment was going, things were just hunky dory. She used a better term than hunky dory, but I can't remember what it was.

I think we can all agree that attchment is an ongoing, lifelong, difficult process.

My Habesha Tortuga is quite attached to me. He strokes my arm when I hold him. He hugs and kisses me. He still prefers to sleep with his toes gripping my ribs to make sure that I am right there. When I say, "How much does mommy love you?" he squeals back, "Soooooooooo Much!!!"

Meazi is a tougher nut to crack. I know she likes me. Some days are beautiful. Some days are difficult.

Beautiful:

Meazi told me she made the above picture at school. She described it as a picture of her thinking about, and missing me, during a long day at school.

Difficult:


She put in an envelope addressed to "Julie".

I know that I am her mommy.

Sometimes to her...

I am just Julie.

24 comments:

  1. beautiful AND heartbreaking. adoption.

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  2. Ongoing, life long, and difficult--I agree. XO

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  3. Ah, you killed me. Right through the heart.

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  4. *sigh* i get it. so many don't. to others, calling you "julie" seems cute and adoring, to us mommies who know better we take in a deep breath and keep going. the keep going part is key, yes? there will be a day when we look back and smile at such things, knowing that we are fully "mommy" to them. xo

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  5. wow. what a blessing and burden to be her sometimes just julie.

    in adoption we have to accept that we are a plan b. a really really freaking awesome plan b. but nevertheless plan b.

    it's not fun to feel that.
    you are a wonderful mother Julie.

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  6. I love what Staci said -we are a plan b - a freakin' awesome plan b. Just that - and ALL that. All the time and all in. And you know what? I'll take it, every single day. I know you will too. I am lucky to love a boy such as my Blueberry.
    I hear you. I know this too.
    Hugs.

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  7. My son didn't call me Mama or Mom for ages. And I didn't hear an I love you for ... a year maybe? I would tell him I loved him, and his response would be "you not love me" or "T no love." And then I would go out of the room and cry.

    Three years later it's almost hard to remember that, as I drop him off at school and even in front of the other 7 year old boys, I get a hug & a kiss, an "I love you Mom", and a wish for me to have a good day. You're so right, it is definitely a lengthy process, and I hope you continue to see baby steps forward.

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  8. That's a lot of love in those drawings--for Julie, for Mommy.

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  9. There is no "just" when it comes to being mommy. The letters may have read Just Julie but when it comes to being mommy the "just" magically disappears.

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  10. One of the first few months we were home with our four year old daughter she drew a picture of "alligator eat mama." :)

    It is hard. And she does love you.

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  11. Coming from another plan b-I get it. Truly, I get it.

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  12. I was trying to think of what to say as I read the comments. And then I realized that the comments here are just dear. Sweet sweet comments from people who have been there and feel you. So my comment is just that I really like you and really don't even know you! Meazi will both like and love you and appreciate the days and months you spent seeking her attachment. I can imagine her reading these posts as an adult someday and smiling.

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  13. only you truly have the gut instinct to know if this is an attachment issue, but here are my two cents.

    All kids go through an age where they are fascinated by the fact that their parents have a 1st name. They hear adults calling their mom by their first name and they want to feel grown up too.

    But as you said attachment is a life.long.process.

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  14. Julie, I've been reading your blog for a while, but have never commented. I love your perspective and honesty. Your daughter reminds me SO much of my Ethiopian daughter. This post brought a little lump to my throat. My daughter has been home almost 10 months, and the attachment process has gone really well, and yet....her pain and grief are right there, all the time. Last week she told me that she'd changed her mind. She'd like to go back. Her Ethiopian mommy misses her. Wow~ What do you do with that? Yes, we know our daughters love us, but they have 2 mommies. End of story. Their little hearts are divided, and they don't know what to do with that. Sometimes I don't either.

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  15. I don't see any "just" in that picture. I see a picture that is full of love for a person who is called Julie, not a picture saying this is "just Julie" meaning "NOT MY MOM". I don't know Meazi's story..but I bet there were at least one or more 'moms' in it...maybe this drawing is labeled "Julie" cause she wanted to be really clear about whom she was feeling all this love from and for. Sometimes we have meanings and associations to words and names that our kids don't have (yet or ever)). "Julie" may be the way she was working out how specific her feelings are -- that this love is about you. I'm not trying to erase your perception of the experience -- maybe she was saying you are "just Julie" but looking at that picture...its about loving a very special PARTICULAR person named JULIE (see the box she drew around your name)? And I've always been so struck by how AMAZING you are about making sure that there is room for all of your children's parts...their past, their story, their names. Part of you is JULIE and clearly Meazi feels safe to name you and love you.

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  16. His Dad was Louis to E for the longest time..he'd alternate with Daddy but Louis came out as often. I just realized reading this post that I haven't heard Louis come out of his mouth for probably nearly a year. It will come. We are on a journey with our children, it's not the end game we are after, it's in these moments of helping them and learning about ourselves that we understand what humanity is all about. You four are a beautiful family, Julie.

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  17. Sitotaw started calling me 'Rae' this summer. Sometimes he still does. It seems like he'll make a huge jump forward in one area and a small step back somewhere else. It's too scary to go 'whole hog'.... baby steps. I know it's not a race, but my kids have been home 18 months and I've never got a picture like that. I know I will :)

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  18. Hugs. I think all adoptive mommies feel that way once in a while. It is a life long process. Hang in there.

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  19. Yet both pictures are full of hearts, full of love. (And thanks for the shout out - of course I like you very much, too!)

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  20. I hear. I know. I live. I love. And I am loved. Just as you are. As Julie. As Mom. As always. Hugs.

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  21. I need your voice in my life. Thank you for keeping it real.

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  22. So hard to know what's adoption/attachement and what's "just a stage," as a couple of others have said. Just keep holding tight...

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