I normally want to throttle this woman for her shoddy journalism and her sensationalism, but she seems to have written something worth reading.
One of the things that used to drive me crazy while waiting for our referral was the armchair parent who would say things like "I would never adopt from Ethiopia now." Easy for them to say, sitting with a darling Ethiopian on their lap. I don't know what is happening in Ethiopia right now. I am relying on my friends who were just there, and who are about to go again to let me know.
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So, the stinking thing about all of it is that only after you've been through the process once or twice, traveling one or three times, only then do you really get an inkling of what's going on. You can't see it for yourself as a PAP. It's the most lousy catch 22 there is.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Rebekah. Also unless you are up for a fight writing about ethics and your concerns is just terrible. Well....unless you like being bashed online (which I do apparently..ha!) : )
ReplyDeleteIt's sad how the ethics debate divides. It's NOT easy for me to share that my child's referral information was false. It's NOT easy to say I wouldn't adopt from Ethiopia again. But my story contradicts a lot of misinformation that I hear about ethics. For example, that Ethiopian adoption ethics have gotten worse as the program has grown - maybe they have, but we adopted in 2006, so I don't think there was every a time when ethics weren't problematic. Or that choosing a good agency guarantees an ethical adoption - we used an agency with a great reputation. Or that a lack of referral information is the red flag - our referral was very complete, but contained false information. When my child is grown, I want him to know I did something about what I learned. Most of what I'll do is on a personal level. I'll do my best to learn his complete story and help him integrate his family and life in Ethiopia with his family and life here (we're traveling back this year). But I also feel compelled to share my story.
ReplyDeleteAnd as if I haven't rambled enough, I'll add that it took 3 1/2 years to learn the truth. I wasn't even pursuing information, but just sending my son's family an update when we received the new information.
I like what Rebekah said.
ReplyDeleteThere was that one article....Was it the Seabrook babylift one or the one about the starfish...or no I think maybe it was one of J. Raible's posts perhaps that said something like if people weren't so blindly idealistic at the beginning of the adoption process, no one would ever adopt, implying that to some degree perhaps the ignorance is bliss mindframe serves a purpose, perverted as that may be. I just thought that was an interesting quip (whereever it was I read it), not that I agree with going about things in an uneducated manner. But I will say that I feel like I know more now than I ever did at the beginning.
Cindy
Thank you for putting my thoughts in to words re: the arm chair parent. That is very validating. Of course, I have twenty million other thoughts on the matter....but those I have put out there on my blog and currently in the comments section of Rebekah's blog! Nothing like a nightly chit-chat on ethics in the comments sections of blogs!
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ReplyDeleteKim- Thank you for sharing your story here. I know it is extremely difficult to share what is so personal, for the benefit of a wider community that may not appreciate it.
ReplyDeleteOur story is very similar to Kim's story. We used a great agency. had great referral info and birth family meetings. Nothing seemed worng. We were also not searching for information but did find out that much of ours child's story was fabricated.
ReplyDeleteIt is heart breaking to tell your 6,7,8 year old that the story you had been feeding them were lies.
I am sorry you have had that experience Kim. I am sorry for so many of my friends in this journey who have faced that reality as well. Sadly, there are a lot of us....
Thanks for the discussion everyone.
I know this post is quite old but I assume you will get this anyway. I am considering adopting from Ethiopia but nothing is more important to me than that this is an ethical adoption and that this child TRULY has no one willing to care for him/her. But I don't know how to make sure of this? I don't know how to go about finding an agency or an orphanage where I can feel at least 99 percent certain that the children cannot be raised by a parent or close relative. It's such a labyrinthine process and there's so much that's hidden from view. I just wonder if you can recommend any person, any resource, any agency, any thing at all to help me figure this out. I know how to find an agency but I'm trying to find more certainty than that about the origins of these children. Thanks so much. Your children are gorgeous and your blog is delightful and helpful. If you feel like replying, you can reply to this comment here or if you prefer, I'll send you my email address. But either way, thank you for a the blog. Erica
ReplyDeleteHey Erica, send me your e-mail address!
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