In September, when we put Meazi into pre-k, we were both astounded as she began to learn English at record speed. We were thrilled. Communication improved, tantrums subsided, and real bonding began.What I failed to consider was what it would be like when Meazi could tell me her story.
As the words flow from her mouth to my ears, I can’t help but say to myself, “I should have been more prepared for this.” It is one thing to read about the circumstances that caused your children to be available for adoption. It is another, more heartbreaking thing, to hear it in person from someone they are related to. What really gets you, what really cracks your heart open into a million pieces, is when a small girl with almond eyes lies next to you and tells you everything.
It makes me want to go back to the time when I just couldn’t figure out that she was asking for more red sauce on her pasta.
Red sauce I can handle.
This other stuff,
I’m not so sure.
Posts
Ouch
ReplyDeleteYou can handle it though,Julie. You've got the tools, you've read the books, and you have a support team at the ready. It's terrific that she has the ability to tell you what she remembers so early in your life together, before things blur too badly for her.
much love to the four of you as you navigate your way through all of this...
I remember this so well with Kerri and Medina..I already think about this with S. I know it is going to be so hard..sending you hugs.
ReplyDeleteyou can handle it mama...you are so strong. just look at her smile...her beautiful resilient self. let gratitude wash over you for the gift that is her strong spirit!
ReplyDeleteI can just imagine...I've been wanting Elfe to have enough English to fill in the details I don't know, especially since we've started looking at pictures of Ethiopia and her birth family and the few things I think I do understand her saying are kind of confusing...but I guess I should prepare myself to hear the full story...
ReplyDeleteWow. But so beautiful that you have skillfully built this relationship and trust and love... You can handle it because you love her.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing. It helps us all so much.
You can handle it. Not that it's easy or anything. For what it's worth, I've been there (i.e. you aren't alone). All the way down to the almond eyes lying next to me.
ReplyDeleteWrite it all down!
ReplyDeleteYou will be amazed how the details can fade over time...record it while it is still fresh. Help her remember...even the hard parts.
Amy
I can't imagine how deeply that has to hurt your heart, but She trusts you, and your love makes her feel safe. Be proud of yourself!
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ReplyDeleteThank you for the post.
ReplyDeleteI don't even know what she says and my heart breaks reading your post. Hugs to you and the beautiful girl with the almond eyes.
ReplyDeleteYes, it sucks, my friend. Record it all, she's telling you now because she trusts you and it's all still there in her mind and heart. Soon, it will start to fade and she will be struggling to hold on to the remnants of the memories, even the difficult ones. We are at the remnants phase, and it's almost more painful to me as I realize I'll never understand it all. Did I ask the right questions when the memories were fresh? Did I help him as much as I needed to? I'll never know. I can say that I was completely present though, and I remember for him what he cannot any longer.
ReplyDeleteSending lots of love your way.
This must be so, so difficult. But I suppose it is a part of her and so therefore it is a part of you, even if it hurts so very much. It is wonderful that she is able to communicate this and that she wants to share with you. Hugs to you both!
ReplyDeleteYes you can handle it - you have to carry it with her and for her.
ReplyDeleteDid you read the last guest post on A Bushel and a Peck about the grief backpack? It's beautiful.
http://abushel-and-apeck.blogspot.com/2010/01/guest-author-sleeping-bag-of-grief.html
Oh Sister I am sorry. But really, you were made for this -- so strong and loving. I'm just thankful she has you to tell her secrets to.
ReplyDeleteWow, that sounds heartbreaking. Hopefully, knowing that without your love and trust, she couldn't even share those parts of her life with you will help you to sort through it all. I don't think anyone can ever prepare us for the hardest parts of motherhood, but know that you have lots of people rooting you on in the journey!
ReplyDeleteI have no words of wisdom, just thank you for sharing this with us.
ReplyDeleteMy girls are babies, and I know some of their stories but not much. I often wish I did. However, I have never really thought about how it would feel to hear it directly from one of them.
So glad she's opening up to you... that she knows she's got a mama she can count on:-)
ReplyDeleteSo heartbreaking but also so beautiful that you guys are here at this place. However much you prepare, not sure you really can be prepared for that day. I've been wondering how much the boys will remember and at least when it does happen I can think, "oh, right, Julie made it through this so can I". Crazy how often I think that about someone I have never met in person, LOL.
ReplyDeleteI can imagine, her innocence mixed with her telling you about it. I like her so much without having met her, what with her funny walk and Dr. LaBootie and all. So, to hear that she talks about the difficult things, that's tough, but thank goodness she has you to hear it, to care about her as a person, not just as your daughter. That makes me feel better for her.
ReplyDeleteI know, oh how I know. The first time I heard it I cried and cried. Then we held each other and each time he trusted me more and I loved him more. It got lighter for him and heavier for me. He trusted me with his secret and now I'm totally damaged by it. But I truly would not have it any other way.
ReplyDeleteI'm right there with you. Right now. Not the whole story, but parts I didn't know about. You think they were so little, they won't remember. Ha! They remember.
ReplyDeleteAll. Choked. Up.
ReplyDeleteoh girl
ReplyDeletei read amharic to america for that reason
to try to prepare myself
but when they are yours...
sending you hugs
I know you can DEFINITELY handle it, but I am sure it is heartbreaking and very very very difficult. Hugs to both you and M (and S, too)
ReplyDeleteJulie, the trust that you have built between your daughter and yourself in such a short amount of time is amazing. You are doing a great job! We may not think we are prepared for these times but really how do you fully prepare for your heart to be broken over how they became ours.
ReplyDeleteYou can handle it. Scratch that: You will handle it. I find your daughter—in your descriptions and the photos—exceptionally, stunningly, transcendently moving and deep and wise. Photographs of her sometimes split me in two. Her eyes, her opened eyes, seem to have already taken in so much. How lucky that you and she found each other, and that you have given her a soft place to fall.
ReplyDeleteAnd your son? Well that kid strikes me as a love bug and I'm already nervous about beautiful he's going to be when he grows up. That mouth! Those eyes!
Julie, you are already handling it and doing a beautiful job of it. You are very fortunate to be able to share these memories with your children and to help them deal with it all.
ReplyDeleteWhat Mama Dog said.
ReplyDeleteWhat Mama Dog said, Deuce.
ReplyDeleteAll you'll do is reach inside and find that incredible strength we are 1,000% certain you possess. Then you'll spin some of it into golden yarns of comfort... Look at the progress this little spark of sunshine has already reached while just in your care.
Remarkable.
Cindy
Yew,you absolutely can handle it...that iswhy your Mama! God chose you and only you because only you can handle it exatly how it needs to be done. You already have everything you nee to get her through this. Trust yourself, trust HIM. Praying for you.
ReplyDeleteThis post has been haunting me ever since I read it. And one of hte main things I keep on thinking is - it will be such a gift for HER to tell Melese their story. I wish my babies were able to tell it to each other. They have so much more right to do that than me.
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