That being said, I am sad about this...
On the first day of second grade I picked Meazi up at 3:00. She started to tell me about her new classroom. I asked her if 'J' was in her class. She told me she was, and said, "But mom, there is one thing about that." I kept looking at her in the rear view mirror. Her face got a little contorted in a way I didn't recognize. She said, "Mom, she straightened her hair." J is Ethiopian/American- not adopted.
"I couldn't believe it mom."
I don't know how to describe what happened to Meazi while she was telling me about this. I know I should have been looking ahead, on the road, but her face was expressing so many things. I could tell that she had been taken down a notch. Her expression was sheepish, embarrassed, sad, insecure, confused- her little features held more emotion at one time than I thought possible in a face. It was like I was watching her thought process. She has really been trying to still embrace what she calls her freedom hair, but I see life, friends, beauty standards, and everything else, seeping quickly in and making her doubt her self, and her hair.
She doesn't need to be the spokesperson for natural beauty, I realize that. But it is more than that isn't it? I haven't seen the movie, Good Hair, but I think I need to. I can see my daughter being slowly pressured to not have an Afro-ever. I can see her being asked, in not so subtle ways, to conform. I can see her strong sense of identity shaken.
I see her being slowly convinced that freedom hair is all just a little bit too much. "I think I might like my hair straight" she said,"But just for a bit and then I would wet it to get it curly again."
Dear Meazi, tell that boy behind you who is complaining that he can't see around your hair to croon his neck, or move the hell over.
Smile at the next person who says something about your Freedom hair.
Tell your friend J that you absolutely loved her curls.
And rock on with your bad self.
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Man. Is she in the second grade? This is starting already?
ReplyDeleteI LOVE her hair. She is absolutely beautiful. My 7-year old ethiopian daughter also asks about straightening her hair, but for now we too are embracing the beauty of her curls and will be for a number of years to come.
ReplyDeleteI saw this one coming . . . years ago. As you know, I opted out of the drama that surrounds black female hair. My hair is free, and so am I. But I'm grown. I'm old. I don't give a $#%! what anyone else thinks about my hair. Meazi lives in a different world, one that expects her to straighten her hair. It will be almost impossible for her to remain a nonconformist. That's just the way it is.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could tell you how to give her the strength to embrace her hair with pride. I don't know any young black girl who has that strength.
So, it seems the journey has begun. It's that journey, one I'd been on myself, one I didn't want to take with my child, that made me wish for a boy. Yes, I love boys. However, I also love girls. I really wanted a boy because I COULD NOT DEAL WITH THE HAIR ISSUE.
I'm here if you need me. And do see Good Hair.
My daughter is only 3 and it has already started. She is extremely tender-headed and anytime I'm doing her hair, she cries that she doesn't want "brown hair" anymore. So sad. I'm sorry M is dealing with this.
ReplyDeleteMmmmm. My girls are currently obsessed with beads, and they love thier hair out (fluffy hair), but Ruth want's "long" hair. She likes little braids. She likes how "long" her sister's hair is when its wet. They're not yet aware of straightening as a possibility. Or at least they haven't talked about it. Ugh. They are annoyed by constant compliments, and "who did your hair like that?" (usually followed by surprised YOU did that?! How long does that take?)I see them do a mental eye roll. When I was little, I had Strawberry Shortcake dolls and Orange blossom had brown skin and an afro. And I watched the show on TV. When I saw that it was still on, I let them watch it, psyched to see Orange Blossom's "fluffy hair". Except it is a whole new thing. There is no Purple Pie-Man (anybody with me on this?)and Orange Blossom's skin is lighter and her hair is stick striaght. WTF smelly little dolls?
ReplyDeleteSadly she is embarking upon the hair-issue journey that all African-American women struggle with. I know you will give her the freedom to choose - as you say to go from curly to straight to back again. You will point out beautiful natural hair on real people, celebrities and in the street -- and images. And be confident that with the right guidance and a good education, she will know that her hair doesn't define who she is. She will learn to explore all its possibilities. And she will say eff this good hair #$%&. As a wise older woman said to me, "If you've got hair, that's good."
ReplyDeleteher hair is gorgeous and i commend you for not straightening it. those subtle messages get ingrained.
ReplyDeleteI was just thinking about cutting photos of freedom fros and putting them all over the fridge so Aberash continues to see beautiful images of women loving their hair (including Meazi) as it continues to grow out. I am trying to plant that seed early because I don't ever want her to stop loving her hair.
ReplyDeleteamen. not a lot of examples out there of freedom hair. it kinda makes me ill.
DeleteYes there are! Buy an Essence or Black Hair magazine. Plenty of celebs are rockin their natural hair from Halle, Solange, Jill Scott, Ledis ect. I like the ideal of her cutting pics that she identifies with and making an board. Let her know there is nothing wrong with being different and rocking her beautiful hair. Email me at sexymoccamomma@gmail.com if you need suggestions because it takes a village.
DeleteBlessings!
(Sen)
Sen, thanks for mentioning this. I should look at these magazines. Out on the street in Boston, I find myself counting how many women of color have unstraightened, braided or free hair versus those with straightened hair or weaves/fake hair. I see my daughters noticing too. I want them to be proud and love it.
DeleteCan I tell you how much my daughter is in love with blonde hair?
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard to watch your kids be pressured to conform. Sadly, they will all face it in one way or another. I wish there was a magic pill I could give them to make them love every part about themselves as much as I love it.
ReplyDeleteMeazi's hair is so beautiful. I had hair just like it when I was her age, but I didn't think it was beautiful and wished only for hair that was straight and silky. My wish was granted at age 9 (chemical relaxer). Now every time I see a young girl with natural textured hair I wonder if she even knows how beautiful and unique it is and how much she'll one day miss it after it's been chemically altered or damaged by heat. But I also know and remember how much pressure there is to conform even if it means looking like everyone else. Definitely see the movie Good Hair, and maybe check out YouTube or hair sites for young naturals. The great thing about hair is it grows.
ReplyDeleteYOur daughter is beautilful. Honestly the world we live in is messed up, and we wonder why children so young have issues? You rock Julie and I can see the strength you are working on instilling in your children!
ReplyDeleteSelam's kindergarten BFF (well, I guess not BFF, since they've both moved one--maybe BFFK) got her hair blown out straight mid-year. Her mom paid for it once a month. So this little girl called her hair "good hair" until mid-month and then she called it "raggedy hair". I nearly cried when I heard her say that. So far, so good on Selam not asking for straightened hair,but she won't wear it loose anymore, except for church (we have a deal--I choose her clothes and hair for church and she gets the rest of the week.) She wants it in tight ponies or tight braids. Yeah, I know, nobody can see her beautiful curls that way. She says it's because the boys in school keep wanting to touch her curls....
ReplyDeleteSo tough! I love the good foundation you are giving her, though, as I love our African American sisters who are standing up for their natural beauty. Let is shine, Meazi! You are stunning!
ReplyDeleteThe 2nd graders around here are shaving their legs.
ReplyDeleteWhat has become of us?
A few thoughts, for what they are are.
ReplyDelete1. Meazi's hair is amazing!
2. When my sister was in high school, she finally talked my mom into allowing her to perm her (waist-length, very straight) hair. Her desire for permed hair lasted about as long as the perm did, and she's been happy with straight ever since. In some respects, these are analogous cases -- Meazi may some day want to try straightening her hair just to see what it's like, and decide afterwards it wasn't for her!
3. I would encourage Meazi to let J. know how beautiful she found J.'s curly hair and that she's sad to see it straightened. Who knows what sort of pressure J. was under when she made her decision, and that she could maybe use some support from someone like her?
Oh, this is so sad; it starts so young, the pressure to conform. I would recommend that you watch "Good Hair" - I found it quite educational/informative (and of course it was humorous and entertaining as well; how could it not be with Chris Rock at the helm). I'm soon going to have a little girl who will face this struggle, too. I will point out Meazi and Aberash and some of our other friends who she can look to as role models.
ReplyDeleteNatural hair doesn't necessarily = afro. I don't know how you style your beautiful daughter's hair, but I've only ever seen photos of it free and gorgeous. I wonder if hanging braids, cornrows, ponytails and buns would help get her through a phase of hair insecurity without altering it's texture chemically?
ReplyDeleteThanks Jenny. She actually wears braids and twists most often.
DeleteJulie! Seriously she is so beautiful. As a mom to a boy, I don't have much to say on the subject of hair but I do recommend you see "Good Hair" As a former hairstylist, I do know chemical straighteners are so bad for the hair (aka perms).
ReplyDeleteWhat will take to get our society to see the beauty of each girl and boy without all the trappings of 'what people should conform to'.
She's absolutely stunning!! I love her free hair!
ReplyDeleteYep, need to watch Good Hair. I really enjoyed so many aspects of it...even my husband watched it twice and was fascinated by the hair culture. With Tessa being 3 we haven't yet had conversations beyond how special her hair is, but I know it is coming.
ReplyDeleteYou know, after I read your post the first thing that came to my mind and out of my mouth (to myself) was... "I want Tessa to know this girl". I do...I really do.
Her hair really is beautiful. I hope she can always see that. I would hate to think that she ever feels she must straighten it to fit in or be beautiful... but as someone who NEVER did anything interesting with my hair, part of me wants to say 'hey, meazi, you want to straighten it? Have fun! And go blue while you're at it. There are plenty of years of sensible hair when you're working in an office'. But I feel like our African daughters don't get that same freedom to experiment because staying natural is seen as being the morally better choice. It's complicated!!! You're years ahead of me so keep the updates coming!!!
ReplyDeleteI am Ethiopian, I remember having to braiding my hair. I been using a perm since I was 17 years old. Once you see how easy it is to care for your hair, you don't want the afro hair. I believe it needs to be age appropriate. Once they become adult, then they can decide what they want. At ths age, she should be happy with the beautiful hair.Again the peer pressure seems to affect us.
ReplyDeleteBringing home Eva at 9 has been very different than we anticipated in the hair department. She had a shaved head for so long that she LOVES that it is getting so full and curly. We live in a very diverse area, though, where 80+% of the kids at her school are African American, so kids are used to seeing all styles. She always gets complimented on her hair from people of all races, which we have found really nice. She doesn't like styles, twists, etc. and prefers it free. I think to her, she is finally able to enjoy a lovely head of hair, and she loves that I wash it, brush it, put products in it, etc. We have no problem if she wants it straightened one day when she is much older for a special occasion like a dance or something, but I have a feeling that she will stick with the fro for a long time!!!
ReplyDeleteI think it's different being adopted older because the kids we know (including our daughter) retain so many other facets of themselves and express themselves differently. It must be very hard being "Americanized" yet wanting so badly to keep the Ethiopian part of themselves..... :( I am sure it's hard to process.
'Good Hair' actually, by the end, makes you feel pretty hopeless. Why fight it anymore, they are ALL using fake hair and straigtening, it seems. Give up, Chris Rock, you have no arguments for your daughters.
ReplyDeleteLiving in DC has actually made me embrace ALL black hair styles - including adding hair and straitning (a word which I don't think I can spell!); something I did not do before. There are so many beautiful styles and freedom hair out there (DC is home to many and so is Ethiopia) but you know kids, they usually go in for what their friends look like.
And thus the whining from my B and S (cut it off so I can look like Trevor (a black kid, thank goodness)). Except my T of course, who would like hair as long and as wind-blowing as possible.
We do our best and if only they - and everybody else - could see themselves through our eyes. One more thing, my kids are *constantly* complimented on their hair by black people in DC (in Ethiopia they're just yet another set of beautiful Ethiopian "girls" - woops!)
XO
-Cinds of Trips.
Hi! My dad has kinky curly hair like Meazi's. I guess it's maybe easier for him to not care what people saye, because he's grown up and he's a guy, but people love his hair! All my friends and I can recognize him in any crowd, and people are always telling me how cool it is. Although I know this kind of hair can be difficult to take care of sometimes, definitely let your daughter know that having big hair is not something to be ashamed of!
ReplyDeleteWe actually saw "Good Hair," and it was really good. Also, this might a little too old for her right now, but I want to recommend this blog: http://urbanbushbabes.com/ which is all about keep natural african hair. The blogger often features celebrities that are keeping "real" :)
Peace
~Pindari