Monday, December 8, 2008

Let Us...

Let us…

Let us, on this day, let go.

Enough now.
Enough pain.
Enough loss.

Lay your head here on my chest
Take a deep breath
Breathe me in.

Let us remember how we began.
Let us remember those first days.
Your chilly house,
Your cozy bed.
My stuff, army bags full of books,
My heart, open, ready, yours.

Let us, on this day, let go.
Our disappointments.
Our frustrations.
Our dreams not realized.

The way the doctor’s shoulders fell with a sigh,"There is no heartbeat."

The house by the stream, in the valley, mockingbirds flying above.

The way Lummi dies in our arms, a pup with us from the beginning.

The way your mom fights so fiercely, and loses so quickly.

Let us, on this day, let go.

In a place far away they wait. They wait to know who we are. They wait for us to come.
We wait too. We wait to know who they are. We wait to know what they will need.

We wait.

What they need is our strength.

What they need is the feeling we had on our first New Mexico day…

Everything is possible.
There is love.
There is family.
There is joy.

Let us, on this day, let go.

Let us, on this day, begin.


  1. Wow. Julie this post is really beautiful. You are so very strong and you and your beautiful soul mate have been through a tremendous amount together. I cannot imagine the ways in which all of that stored up compassion will come to your aid as a parent. I cannot imagine how long the wait has been on your heart. I can feel it through the screen.

    I hope today is your new day. I know first hand the hope and joy that is looming around the corner. I cannot wait to share in the ways in which parenthood heals all of your losses. Lord knows little one was able to heal so much of me.

    Thinking of you.

    Mrs. B

  2. I don't know you guys but I love that post. Those feelings were put so beautifully into words.
    Wishing you well.

  3. Big bear hugs to you and Steven (and Ted and Moses). Wish you guys could come over for some tortilla soup I'm making this week.


  4. Julie,
    You have brought tears to my eyes this morning. I am so happy that you and Steven are in our lives!! Stay strong, stay hopeful and hold on tight to that incredible love you two share. We have walked many of the same roads as the two of you, and I know how all the loss can be unbearable at times. The hope and dreams of a family to come is what helped to carry us through. Your babies are out there and they need you and Steven as much as you need them. Thanks for posting such beautiful and honest words.


  5. Oh Julie...what an amazing post. I am sending you a huge hug. Life is so unfair sometimes. You are so strong and I know this journey has been tremendously tough. No one can make that pain go away but I can hope and pray that joy finds you soon. You will get your proposal and they will be amazing and a perfect fit for you. You will be such awesome parents, I just know it. You want it so badly.

    hang in there....

  6. oy...Julie. That was beautiful.

  7. your story is an illustration to everyone on how marriage should be-- people being the strength for each other in the good times and hard times. Sending you all my thoughts to help you stay strong for the both of you. This has been a marathon but the end is near.

  8. Oh Julie. This breaks my heart.
    I'm so so sorry for your loss. Not just of Chris, but of Lummi, too.

    My dog, India, is truly my closest and dearest companion - some would find that a crazy statement, but it's true. I will be beside myself when she dies (hopefully not for a long time!) and I can't even think about it.

    Hang in there - in this time of advent, it's helpful to remember that it is truly the very darkest just before the dawn.

  9. Beautiful. Thank you for sharing it with us.

  10. Your words are powerful in their beauty. Blessings to you and your family.

  11. Julie,

    I don't think I've read of anyone doing such a good job to get ready for a new beginning. You inspire me and challenge me to face those tough places. As strong and beautifully as you grieve, I still hear the hurt and I hope it is soon filled with gladness.


  12. beauty in words... so pure, so true. your honesty is needed... thank you... and i do hope you find rest and peace in the coming days...

  13. Something about your journey seems to be preparing the two of you to be the parents you will be. It's not true of all parents but it's true of the two of you I feel sure. Your child/children will be coming to you having experienced such loss and will have so much grief they will need to learn to live with and hopefully overcome. You have so much to teach them, show them.

    Thank you for sharing your heart so openly with the world. You are an inspiration.

  14. I am not a very spiritual or religious person, but I just have to believe that everything you are going through right now has some purpose...I hope it becomes clear what that purpose is very, very soon...

  15. “May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.”

    I hope your new beginning brings some happy changes soon. I can't wait to read what's coming.

  16. What a powerful and beautiful post. You guys will find the joy in your lives again soon. And I can't wait to see it!

  17. Your new day is around the corner. Promise. Children can change everything in an instant.

  18. You are so brave and wise. You two will make wonderful parents. Thanks for your honesty. - Julie O.

  19. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful...Julie you are an inspiration to me and will be such an incredible Mother!

  20. This was so incredibly beautiful. I am so sorry for your pain and I cannot wait to celebrate your joy.

  21. I hope your blog will one day become a book I can page through and read over and over again. Beautiful words...

  22. Julie-

    All day I've been trying to put into words what I'm trying to say. It's just that - well, this is it. This is what it means to be a parent. You are a parent. It is exactly about reaching back to the very depth of the love you two share. You have to do it every moment of every day without even knowing you're doing it. It is the base of your family, the philosophy by which you end up making all your decisions.

    It's why you will have the most beautiful family. You can give them what they need. Gosh, I feel so honored you shared this.

  23. your honest soul...
    the window into your truth...
    thank your for sharing-
    sending warm thoughts through the internet waves-

  24. I agree with Karen...this is going to be the best blog book EVER!

  25. Wow, i don't know how i stumbled across your blog tonight but I am so glad I did. This post is amazing. I love every word of it. Thanks for sharing it with us all. You write beautifully. Keep writing!!!


  26. Julie. Julie. Julie. Beautiful. Beyond.

  27. Yes! Yes. Yes. Breathe eachother in and all the rest out. We picked middle names, finally. Tseday and Senayit. Senayit is a blessing/gift and Tseday is Spring/renewal. I started thinking and writing about new beginnings and renewal about 3 weeks before our referral. My attitude adjustment was not that difficult, though, because it actually was Spring in New England. I hope that hope really is creeping back into your life. I don't mean to be all "me, me, I, I" in this comment, but I just totally identify with your expression of being ready, really really ready, for change. Bring it on!

  28. often, when I read your blog, I am so moved that I find it difficult to comment.


  29. Oh Julie. Thank you for your honesty and the beauty of your words. Thinking of you.

  30. ....just beautiful, this seems to have flowed straight from the heart and into words.....what a gift..

  31. Thank you for sharing your soul so openly and deeply. It is inspiring and amazing. Change is coming soon, and when it does your heart will fill with the healing love that only children can bring. It will happen...soon!

  32. This is such a great post, with such beautiful pictures. You two must have great things coming. I'm excited for you.

  33. I was just looking for your blog because I had read it before and wanted to subscribe. This post is one of the reasons even though I didn't know it was here...